Eds prästvigning/ordination

The difference between common and unholy

2010-06-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my following of the food rules in Leviticus 11 this week. I guess that I am still surprised about how many people react so strongly to my decision. In Acts 10 and 11 Peter uses two Greek words koinos and akathartos.

If it were possible to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the food laws are part of how God wants those who believe in Him to live, would people just change their eating habits? I doubt it. There is already so much which is so clear and yet people do not follow God's words.
oh well what can I do about it?

peace

reaffirmation

2010-05-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

I really love the springtime in Sweden. After a long winter’s nap nature wakes up and bursts into a diversity of colors and shapes. The down side is the increasing numbers of daylight hours. I find it difficult to sleep.

I believe in creation and that makes me a priestly rarity. So many say that God is all-powerful, while maintaining that He is incapable of creating all this complicated life and diversity from nothing. I do not ascribe to the thought that it is intellectual suicide to believe in a six day creation by an all-powerful God, but quite the opposite.

The Heavens declare the glory of God. It is the very Nature that reveals God’s invisible attributes. Hmmmm just makes you want to go hmmmmmmmmm.

Every spring reaffirms this simple but very foundational truth for me.

peace

trust in action

2010-04-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

this was a large demonstration of faith. I had to trust the ropes and my course instructor. It was very challenging. This is where I am at with God right now. I feel Him moving me in a certain direction but it is so scary. I know that He loves me and cares for me, but not it is time to put that into practice.

I don't know why I am so hesitant but I am. Just imagine the King of the Universe asking you to follow His path.

now I am on the course and I am scared out of my gourd. I know that the instructors did not want to hurt me but trusting them enough to let go of my fear was very difficult.

2 Sam 22:3
The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.

I want to be better at trusting God for the outcome. I know that it might be hard but I want to grow in this area.

this is my desire and prayer for this day

peace

do not be hard hearted

2010-04-16T05:40:00.000-07:00

Today I am tired and frustrated and glad. I guess that this is the way life is for me. Now when I say this, it doesn't mean that life sucks or is bad. It just means that I feel many different things at the same time.

while I am writing this I am listening to a sermon by Bruce Cohen. His teaching has been a real blessing in my life. The title of the sermon is Uncle Fluffy. It is hard hitting and thought provoking. you can check it out at http://ia360633.us.archive.org/3/items/Beth_El/20100410-Congregation_Beth_El_of_Manhattan-Uncle_Fluffy-Lev9verse1.mp3

I need to hear the hard word of God. I need to be shaken up so that my heart will still turn towards the Lord. I would hate to be one of those who, in latter days, leaves the faith and leads others astray.

It is always a struggle to live in the world and not like the world. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I just want to give up. this week was like that for me. I still feel like walking away from it all. I am so tired of the fight.

But I would not want to be so stubborn that I choose something else other than God's way. I don't want to keep looking for the green grass on the other side, but to learn to be content with what God gives.

2 Kings 17:14 and 18:12 talks about how the people would not listen to what God has said. I want to be obedient and to follow Yeshua with all of my heart. I feel like everyone is just making up their own rules instead of being willing to follow God.

I need help so that I don't become bitter towards those who want to walk another path. Well listen to Rabbi Bruce and let me know what you think.

peace

Passing on the Resurrection

2010-04-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today is Easter and I am in Sweden. It has been a time for Anette our oldest son, Eddie, and our two youngest daughters, Paulina and Nikole, to spend time together.

During this weekend I have hade a lot of thoughts about Yeshua and what that has meant for me. While my family is slowly understanding what being messianic means it has not been easy helping them to embrace The Way. They have a lot of questions and are often being bombarded with questions about the way in which we live our lives.

And as I listen to Rabbi Cohen’s message from March 6, 2010 from the Parashah Hukkat he makes a few points that seem very relevant. If you get a chance then check him out at http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/beth-el-manhattan-messianic/id261742853 it is titled Red Heifers and Unicorns. Now the actual torah portion is about the golden calf but on this day Rabbi Cohen decided to talk about the red heifer. He says that we don’t want our children to view our God as something that is mythical. No we want to pass on our faith to the next generation in such a way that our faith becomes their faith. And as they grow and start to ask questions then we want to give them better answers than, it is just so or that it has always been so.

While there are some things about our faith that are to be believed on faith alone, these items are not normative. More often than not, God gives us reasons and explanations about why he says what he says. Talking donkeys and burning bushes are not the normative ways in which God communicates. He guides us by reason, and example and explanation and this means that there are good reasons for why. Insanity is only appealing to the insane. I believe that, whenever it is possible, to try and understand the reasons why and at the same time accepting the things that are to be taken by faith.

There is a real danger that without good reasons our faith may seem to be built upon more of the unexplainable than the explainable. This makes the rules for life more suggestion than lifestyle. I know that I don’t want my children to see God as mythical instead of as real. I don’t just want to tell them the correct answer but to be able to explain reason why to them. I know that according to 1 Corinthians 2:14 spiritual things are not discerned by those who are not spiritual. I know that their friends may not understand why we have the rules that we have in our family. Many people think that it is strange that we eat in accordance with the rules of Leviticus 11

The reason for thinking this way is because while the, ashes of the red heifer becomes a vehicle of purification, whoever performs this becomes unclean. This is difficult to understand. God does not give us a lot of explanation and so many believe that this is something that just has to be taken on faith. But this may not be the normal way that God wants us to live.

God asks us to seek His truth and apply it to our life. We are to seek his way above the advice of our friends and family. This does not mean that friends and family are not important. Believe me they are. But when it is time to make a decision we will need the best help we can get. Family and friends can mean well but they might give advice which is contrary to God’s instruction and so knowing what the word says and why it says that is very important.

The instructions of God should be something that means more to us than our own desires. You see moral restraint is the choosing of life and not just ways to make life boring. In Deuteronomy 5:19 there is a challenge to choose life by living according to God’s instructions for life. Regardless of our age each and every one of us is faced daily with a whole host of choices. Each day presents us with choices so the question is what is going to help to make wise choices.

But how do we teach that modest dress, pleasant behaviour and the clear boundaries that God has established are the best and most correct way to live without making is seem like boring ritual and empty traditions?

How can I, or for that matter any parent, pass on the true meaning of a resurrection celebration or the deep meaning of Passover without undermining the strong foundation these truths are built upon?

We had a wonderful dinner yesterday, but we never mentioned Yeshua or talked about what he did. My in-laws are not believers and often think that things about the faith are not so interesting. We didn’t thank the Lord for the food before we ate. It was only late at night that we watched a film about Yeshua. Did that show my children that the things of our faith are not very important to me? I sure hope not.

I just want to make the resurrection real for my children and the young people at church.

peace

thinking back

2010-03-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was telling two friends about how I have been feeling like I just get on everyone's nerves. I feel like stopping everything because I really want people to be okay and happy and if I am the problem then I am willing to get out of everyone's way.

We sat and prayed and talked about it. I guess that I feel very sad these days. It is not a crisis of belief or burnout. It is just that with so many people seemingly pissed at me, it is taking its toll. On one hand I am aware that God is using my crazy life. I know that in front of him, I am okay. I don't mean that He looks over my faults it is just that in spite of them He chooses to love me and allow me to stay in His kingdom. For His mercy and grace am I ever thankful.

1 Mos 19:19
Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die:

This verse sums up how I feel about my relationship with God. It feels solid and were it not for the Lord I would have crumbled a long time ago.

I don't want to make people feel badly. I hate the looks on their faces. I hate that fact they so many seem to expect things of me that I cannot give. I don't feel very accepted. I guess this is why I just feel like walking away. The other day, while I was riding the bus to work, I was having a waking daydream.

I dreamed that I woke up and I couldn't understand or speak Swedish. I didn't know anyone. I didn't even know why I was in Sweden. I just wanted to get on with my life. Everyone kept trying to tell me that I belonged here, but I had no recollection of it. It was peaceful and restful but it was not reality.

I have been so blessed by God's boundless grace. He saved me. But with so many people, in my daily walk, I see very little of grace. Every mistake regardless of the size is brought to my attention. The worse part is that it doesn't matter how hard I try, it just gets worse.

At the same time I feel this way I am in the middle of a time where I have been able to speak with lots of people about God. It is amazing how God has opened doors over the past few weeks. I am very hopeful that many people will come to faith in the Messiah. God has been using me to sow seeds of faith.

Sowing is not at all like reaping. Sometimes in order to sow you have to break up the fallow ground. This is a long but necessary process. If it is not done then you don't give the seeds a good start.

Jes 28:24-26
Doth the plowman plow all day to sow? doth he open and break the clods of his ground? [25] When he hath made plain the face thereof, doth he not cast abroad the fitches, and scatter the cummin, and cast in the principal wheat and the appointed barley and rie in their place? [26] For his God doth instruct him to discretion, and doth teach him.

Reaping is exciting, but not harvest takes place without sowing and tilling. It is much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I pray that I will not be envious or ungrateful because I am called to sow. When God called me to ministry in Sweden he told me to train others to evangelize and that I am to work with discipleship. I often forget that part of it.

I want to see the great harvest that the Lord will reap in this country. I long for it. So I must continue to sow and with God's help, people will not be so easily irritated with me.

What I hope is to find the way to reconciliation with my friends. I know that I need help with this. Help me God!

I hope that in the coming months my friends and I will continue to help people to trust the Creator of all life through his son Jesus/Yeshua. It is my desire that we grow in our confidence and dependency upon the Lord. Right now I just want my heart to be lightened, just a bit. And then I got an email about a video from a baptism I had done a year ago.

As I look back and remember the goodness of God, my sorrow is lessened and my joy is increased. This is one of those things that makes all of the tough time worth it all.

peace

quitting things

2010-03-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided
to quit as a volunteer for Young Life. It is a very difficult decision since like IBS (International Bible Study) YoungLife has been like a family for me. It has been one of the places where I have gained the strength to continue on, when I felt like quitting.

Now I am no longer a part of either of these groups. It feels emptier and lonier but I think it still might be the right thing. I have been feeling like I have never nor will I ever be able to live up to the expectations of what people want me to be, do or act. I hate it. I have such a hard time of going past someone.

when I was a young child I decided to not be like that priest who was so busy going to his meeting and keeping up the formal appearences that he couldn't help the person in front of his face that had a need. But living the way that would make me happiest has a very negative side to it.

It means that things might come up and I might have to reorganize my priorities which usually means coming late. this makes everyone around me unhappy. then they judge me and call me inmmature because of this. I just can't handle it anymore. I want to be able to help with little notice and without having to make such a big deal of it.

For the past 6 months I have been feeling like the only things that matter are meetings and looking the part. I can say that this just sucks the life right out of me. I hate what I am becoming. I don't feel as though I am using what God has given me by spending all of my time in meetings and never building relationships. It is not that meetings and planing are unimportant, but they should not make up the bulk of my time.

But it is not just the meetings but more of the fact that I just feel like people are trying to remake me into the Edward that they would rather hang out with than who I am in reality. I know that I am not perfect and this is definitely not an attempt to make myself out to be a victim. I have chosen my lifestyle and my way of dealing with thing and while it may cause everyone around me to dislike me, it is a result of my free decisions. I just want to be me. I would rather loose friends and never again work with the things I love than to ever let people, expectations, roles and positions to force me into a mold that is not me.

I hate the loniness but it is better than feeling judged all of the time. So now I have decided to go it alone as much as possible. I have been backing away for some months now. I'm not as involved as I want to be nor do I hangout as much as I would like to. But it seems to be working. Over the past 6 weeks people have started complaining less. So it seems that I will have to keep going on this path.

When I first became a priest I foolishly thought that I would be able to be around others and build relationships. Now I see that in order to do my job I have to have this distance between myself and others. I have had it very rough this term and yet I have not shared so much of it with others like I would have before. I bear it before God and ask Him to help me.

It might not be what I thought it was going to be, but it may be what is necessary. I wish that I could have continued with YoungLife and IBS, right now things are emptier. I fill my days with papperwork and administration. I do have more time to pray for others and that gives me comfort. I like bringing things to God and then learning from seeing how He answers. It may sound all bad but it is not. I have more freedom to help and that is more important to me than being a part of something.

I just hope that in the long run, I am being lead by the Sprit of God. If not then all this is in vain. As I open my ears to hear God's voice I hope that he crushes the selfish resistance of my heart so that I will live for him, with or without a group.

The only surprising thing is how everyone has taken my quitting with such ease and okay. Maybe I wasn't doing as good a job as I thought? It's not important, just me thinking out loud.

It is sunny today. When I look through a window it looks like it is time for shorts. As I step through the door to enjoy the strong spring sun, the wind blows as a chilling gust and I know am then made aware of the difference between how something looks and how something really is. This is an important lesson for me to learn by.

peace

more about tzara' at

2010-03-03T17:37:00.000-08:00

Today I am wondering about the purity of the heart. if the the pure in heart are going to see God then the impure will not. There is a possibility to be ritually pure and still be defiled.

Yeshua talked about how one's heart is not made impure by having contact with ceremonially unclean things. it is not external to the heart.

in Genesis 6:5 and 8:21 God looks upon humanity and declares that that every thought of our hearts are, from our childhood, always evil, which is repeated by Yeshua in Matthew 5:16-20. Yeshua says that eating with unclean hands does not make us unclean but that whatever flows over in our hearts will come out and be expressed.

in 1 King 11:2-4 the Bible says that Solomon's heart was turned away from the Lord. This means that it is possible for the heart to have it's focus turned away from God and focused upon something else.

In the Psalms there is some good advice about maintaining a pure heart. IN Psalm 112:7-8 we learn the the heart needs to be fixed by trusting in the Lord. This trust will establish the heart so that you are not driven by fear.

in 119:2 we see that keeping the Lord's testimonies and by seeking Him. Yeshua says that seeking the Lord first will help us to prioritize our life. In 119:10-11 we find that hiding God's word in our heart (memorizing) will actually keep us from sin.

i so want the thoughts of my mind and the meditation of my heart to please God and then lead me on the path of righteousness.

what do you do for your heart? are you willing to turn from the hard unrighteous heart and let the Lord write his word on your hear.

gotta sleep

peace

not be touched

2010-03-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday I was preaching from Luke 5:12 – 26. Two cases of Jesus healing and in the process he totally transforms their lives. In the first case there is a person who is full of leprosy. This was a debilitating skin disease that rendered the infected person unclean. It would be the job of priests that is the qualified decedents of Aaron, to examine and determine if a person had just a skin disease or if it was actually a case of leprosy. The background for this is in Leviticus 13-14. In these chapters one reads about leprosy and mildew. The word which is translated as leprosy, in people, and mildew, in clothes and in the home, in English is the Hebrew word tzara´at, which I do not believe is what we call leprosy or Hansen’s disease. The uncleanness of the disease is contagious and could spread, while the disease was not, and this is why the person who is infected needed to be quarantined from the rest of the community.
The Hebrew 4 Christians web sight give a description of the meaning of the word, tzara’ at.

This text describes certain skin afflictions, collectively called tzara'at, that cause the afflicted person to be impure (tamei) and unclean (tumah). Note that tzara'at is not to be identified with leprosy (as some English translations claim), since the symptoms of tzara'at include not just the afflicted person's skin, but sometimes his clothes and house.

Tzara'at was a skin condition that could only be diagnosed by a kohen (priest), not a doctor. If white or pink patches appeared on a person's skin, the afflicted person was required to contact a kohen for an examination. If the priest detected 1) two hairs that had turned white within the spot, or 2) a piece of healthy skin in the middle of the spot, he was declared tamei (impure or unclean), and then had to follow the prescribed laws for the metzora (person affected with tzara'at); otherwise he was declared tahor (clean).

On the other hand, if the priest suspected tzara'at but was unsure, the afflicted person was quarantined and required to perform teshuvah (repentance). If a second evaluation indicated that the spot(s) had grown larger in size, the person was declared tamei (impure) and was subject to the laws for the metzora (i.e., dwelling "outside the camp" until the person was completely healed).

Tzara'at was essentially a spiritual disease - an affliction that the LORD used to help lead His people to teshuvah. The Babylonian Talmud (Erachin 15b, 16a) lists seven causes for tzara'at, including: murder, adultery, pride, theft, stinginess, a vain oath, and (most of all) for the sin of lashon hara.

In general terms, lashon hara means "the evil tongue," but it should not be understood exclusively as saying slanderous things about others or using profanity (though that is certainly included in the concept). No, lashon hara means saying something bad about another person even if it happens to be true. In other words, lashon hara is gossip, spreading evil (even if true) reports, or expressing a critical spirit about others. Such behavior is explicitly forbidden in Leviticus 19:16. This is also found in the Apostolic writings of the New Testament. What we say has such a powerful effect upon us and others. This is how Miriam got “leprosy”. Jesus says, in Matthew 12:36-37, that every careless word that we say we will have to give an accounting for. James 1:26 and 3:5-8 we see that the tongue is the cause of great sin in the life of the believer. Our words should be bridled. Luke 6:45 out of the abundance of your heart pours out words of evil or good. 2 Tim 2:16-17, gossip and vain babbling is not to be a part of the life of a follower of Yeshua. Such words become a canker. In Psalms 64 speaks about those who whet their tongues to shoot bitter words. This is the way of the unrighteous.

This does not mean that we do not speak out against evil and wrong doing but it has to with the why or the motivation behind our speaking. The first time the Bible shows us a person getting tzara’ at is when Moses speaks evil about the Hebrew captives.

The result of this pronouncement is total ostracism from the community. The person had to have tattered clothes, be unbathed and then call out, “Unclean, unclean”, to the people, that one might meet, that were not contaminated. People were to keep about 8 feet or about 2.2 meters away form the infected person. If the infected person is a priest then they cannot partake of the holy things offered until the Lord. If one does that then they will be cut off from the presence of the Lord, Lev 22:4. In Numbers 5:2 God tells the Israelites to put everyone who has “leprosy”, any type of discharge and anyone who is defiled by touching a dead body, outside of the camp so that the camp is not defiled.

I know that many people might react to these instructions and think that God is cruel, but our obedience to God should not based upon our ability to reason or if it makes sense to us, but because he is our King.

Sometimes this person became “leprous” because of sin, like Miriam and the house of Joab, and Azariah, Numbers 12:14; 2 Samuel 3:29; 2 Kings 15:5. Touching a person with tzara’ at made one unclean until evening. So there were no commands from God about not touching, but according to the oral Torah or the man-made rules then touching was impossible. Here we see that when Yeshua (Jesus) touches the person who was full of leprosy he is not breaking a command and thus sinning. You see at the touch of Jesus the person is made clean. I believe that point of healing started where Jesus touched him and the spread from there to the rest of the man’s body. In chapter 4 Yeshua tells his listener that only Naaman was healed while there were many other people with “leprosy” who were not healed. Now Jesus reaches out and restores this person to the community. He can not be around others and experience touch. This is very powerful. If we do not experience touch then we do not develop properly. We can even die from the lack of touch. Now while Yeshua has not broken any of Torah he shows that he is living in accordance to it by having the man to go and show himself to the priest and offer the required sacrifices. Here again is a great example of how Yeshua does not do away with the Law (Torah) but give us the correct interpretation of it. This is also an example of how we are to view the written word contra the rules, regulations, philosophies and theologies of man. Scripture is above that which is man made.

There are many conflicts that would cease to exist if we only placed the Scriptures about out reasoning and our own additions to God’s word. Since this disease is spiritual in nature then each of us should have God to search our hearts and root out that which is unclean, especially. Only he can cleanse us. Both the paralyzed man and his friends and the “leprous” man acted out of faith. To trust in God means believing in him in spite of you situation and the rules of social conduct. In both cases they were so desperate that they broke the social rules in order to be transformed by Yeshua. Are you desperate? I know that I am. I want the Lord to cleanse me with hyssop and take away my iniquity. I need Him so much in my life.

Lately I have been feeling like I have “leprosy” and am alone. I have been so frustrated that I have only had bad things to say and feel. I need for God to forgive my sin and lift this bitterness from my heart. I need God to touch me and make me clean.

Peace

we need a hospitality revival

2010-02-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

I hate it when people are trying to force me into a mould that I don’t want to be in. One of the things that I have about being an adult is this constant pressure to confirm. It is not that it was not there when I was younger, but now I am an adult man and it seems to me that I should now be in charge of my life, especially when it comes to following Christ.

One area in my life which is really challenging is hospitality. In Romans 12:13-16, which is part of a larger section of teaching, we are instructed in what some of the aspects of presenting ourselves as a living sacrifice means. Those whom are rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation and always ready to pray are also seeing to the needs of others and practicing hospitality. They bless others and show compassion with them as they walk in the shoes of another.

In 1Timothy 3:2 it says that one of the qualifications of a leader is practicing hospitality. In Titus 1:8 it says that hey should be a lover of hospitality. Now just chew on this for a moment. How is it that with all of the paperwork, meetings, and such that a person will have the strength or desire to not only practise hospitality but to love doing it? I think that clue is in how leadership affects those who follow. What the leadership does so does the group. Hospitality practiced among leaders produces congregations that practice hospitality and thus produce cultures of hospitality.

I cannot tell you the last time I heard a riveting sermon about the merits of hospitality. I hear more talk about speaking in tongues, healing, and prophecy than I’ve ever heard about how important it is to serve others and make strangers feel at home, and yet this is one of the spiritual gifts. You know the special abilities that the Holy Spirit gives us, so that the body of Christ is built up, and actually reflects the life of Christ to a world that wanders in darkness.

But there is more

In Hebrews 13:2 it says that when we are hospitable then we might even, without knowing it, entertain angles. We see an example of this in Genesis 18:1-8 when God appeared to Abraham in the plains of Mamre. Abraham, the father of those who trust God in faith, invites them to spend some time with him, quench their thirst, clean themselves up and share a meal. The thing is that God obliges Abraham and the three men stay.

In Judges 13 Manoah entreats the Angel of the Lord to stay and eat with them.

Now that is something to think about!

1 Peter 4:9 tells us that hospitality is not to be done grudgingly by force and guilty feelings but generously. It is part of how we practice Christian love.

As Paul is writing to Timothy (5:10) about the qualifications of the widows that are to be taken care of he talks about how important her life of diligent good works and the reputation that grows from that is. She is to have lodged strangers, washed the feet of the saints, given relief to those who are afflicted, that is hospitality.

Today I was trying to help someone understand that hospitality is something that is very important. Hospitality is one of the signs of a sound biblical teaching. Actually if you are looking for a church to belong to then look and see how the church and its members practice hospitality. I can assure you that if you spend a long time in a community that does not practice this then you may find it increasingly difficult to practice or to grow in hospitality.

Needless to say I did not win the discussion. In fact I was really upset after that failed conversation. Even though many churches are economically pressed, I feel that it is wrong to then use that as an excuse for not practicing hospitality. Does not our God own the cattle on a thousand hills or is it just poetic talk?

So many times we make decisions based solely on what we have in our hands. It might sound responsible to justify why we can’t share our resources, especially with those who have it tough, but it is a flight from faith. Will God take care of our needs, if we generously share what we have with others, or will he not? I think that this question is at the bottom of today’s hospitality crisis. We are often looking at what we loose instead of what we gain.

We need a revival of hospitality. We need to hear sermons telling about how important this spiritual gift is as well as courageous leaders willing to demonstrate it or least not stopping it. We need to make sure that when we have social times after our church services, that we are not excluding the poor and those who have very little from being a part of this time of fellowship, by charging them to participate.

A few years ago, when I was still a seminary student, my family and I stopped participating in the after-service-fellowship, because we could not afford it. I was too embarrassed to have to ask permission to not pay so that we would be a part of the fun that so many others were having. When I did mention it, someone replied, “That tiny sum of money can’t break your bank”. The truth is that for 5 people (my 4 children and I) that money was a whole meal for us. And it would break our bank.

When God has blessed us economically, it is stupidity for us to forget where he has brought us from, and not understand and feel the pressure that those who are less fortunate have live under. One of the largest sorrows in my life is not being able to invite people to my home. I always feel bad about that. But because of a combination of my hours (I work nights), my wife is not a believer and the fact that we live outside of the civic center then it is nearly impossible to have someone at our place. But the home is not the only place to practice this.

At my job and in my daily walk, I hope that I am still practicing a generous hospitality. I don’t know because in my environment there is no one spurring me onward in my obedience to the Lord through my hospitality.

Pray for a revival among the followers of Jesus.

Peace in abundance,

Edward

way too long

2010-02-05T02:32:00.001-08:00

Well today i am writing because I just haven't done anything for a long while. I guess that since i have a day off then I don't have a lot to say.

This past week has been very difficult for me. I find myself doing a lot of paperwork. It is not that I am unable but that it just sucks the life right out of me. The dilemma is that if I do the paperwork then people don't complain. I didn't study theology so that I can sit in a room and do administrative work. This has always been a constant struggle in my work and so this is nothing really big. I just hate it that everyone seems to try and force me into this mould.

The main problem is that I know that I have, if God is willing, only about 35 years of life left. Those years can rapidly decrease by sickness and aging. So how do I make the most of the time I have left? How do I serve my God faithfully? How do I invest the talents (this is about my stewardship) that he has given me, in an effective way?

I moved to Sweden because God called me. I did not move here because of tho social services, even though they are terrific. I did not move here to be part of a religious structure, even though I am ordained as a priest in the Church of Sweden. My desire is to encourage others to share their faith, not that I should not but that I should not be the only one. I want to help others to grow in Christ. No growth is equivalent with death and atrophy like stagnation.

Going to church on Sundays is just not enough. There is more to following Yeshua (yes his name in Hebrew is not Jesus) than checking of a religious activity one or two days a week. I believe that it is living in community with others who also want to walk in the Master's footsteps.

In the past I have used this blogg to vent when I am frustrated. I want to introduce something different. i want to widen it's use. I want to share my journey with others. from the dark musings that swirl around in my head to the zany and spontaneous things that keep the child in me alive.

I want to encourage with raw truth and not just nice words. The truth hurts, but it can also lead to change.

I am torn between various groups. The groups want me to belong to them or to lead them or to exclusively commit myself to them. In the process there is always a catch. It is about me having to change and become someone else. They want me to more forceful and then less. To do what they themselves are unwilling to pay the price for. I hate it because it often means that I should take the risk alone instead or "we" take the risk. Now this is not in all groups that I am associated with. But it happens too often.

Now don't get me wrong I have faults. I am way too optimistic about time. I am always trying to cram as much as I can into everything because I really don't believe that there is plenty of time to take care of it later. I will always stop to help someone when I am on the way because most people don't stop. If more people did it then I would have faith that someone else would. I drive everyone around me crazy. people tend to glide away from me over time because I am just a bit much to take.

I work as a Lutheran priest. But that means something different to many other people than it means to me. I could care less about how I dress. when I decide to change from a tee-shirt and jeans to a shirt and slacks, then I'll hear someone make a comment like, "Wow you have decided to dress like and adult today". Like I go around with fuzzy clothing like a baby.

The other thing is my faith. I believe what I believe but it seems that over the years the whole goal is to not make people upset by what we say. This results in there being no room to share and discuss. How can we grow in our faith when we are not allowed to challenge each other. The Church of Sweden is then heading towards path of apostasy. When we care more about people feeling good than about them hearing the truth, we will become apostate.

Case in point. I believe that Jesus Christ (Yeshua HaMachiach) is the only way to forgiveness, eternal life and communion with God. This makes some people upset. If I just keep it privately to myself then that is okay. But actually saying that those priest in who teach otherwise are leading people astray would be considered something wrong. But if I really believe this then I would be a hypocrite for not saying anything. I could be accused of hating instead of loving. Love demands the truth regardless. I can't force anyone but I still must proclaim the truth to those around me. This truth is not shared because I am right but because God has changed my heart and given me love for others. This changed condition results in the boldness to tell them the truth.

I hope to live the rest of my days breaking down the frames that i allow others construct around me. I hope to be a voice that dares to risk it all for the cause of Christ. Hopefully this will happen in community with others who want to walk this crazy path, but if not then I will still follow Yeshua all of my days, or at least until I'm totally senile.

This picture is how I want things to be. Like the water reflects the sky, I want to reflect Christ in my world and time.

God's peace and love in abundance,

Edward

13 november 2008

2008-11-12T23:48:00.000-08:00

Today I feel really restless in my soul.
The last few weeks I have been trying to find out if I am called to be an administrative priest instead of one who preaches and leads church service.

I've been living in Sweden for over 12 years now and I still cannot write or speak well enough for the majority of society. It's just so frustrating that so many people focus on the most minor grammatical error and never hear the message that I am trying to communicate.

I have to lead through failure and opposition and this is not an easy thing to do. Last week I was so confident that if my beloved America could elect Barak Obama then anything is possible in Sweden. Now I know that I was just dreaming or eating too many cookies, (A sugar high can lead to hallucinations).

I guess that I am done now. I feel like all I do is fail. I walked into that room yesterday and was totally ambushed. I made it easy for them. The allusion to the fact that people want to know what they are getting for their money. If people don't give then there is no money for my job and I will be let go.

It's kind of funny that this could be used as an carrot to force me to do what others want. I feel very trapped and do not really know what to do. I have no idea what my options are. I am going to be lynched regardless of what I do, and this is a very paralyzing reality.

I would love to be in the mountains right now. Hiking all alone would be so refreshing, and yet I do not run away. It would change nothing. The answer has to be out there some where. It probably is right in front of me but I am too busy looking everywhere else but at my feet.

Even though the pressure is great I will still lean even harder upon the Lord. He is my strength and hope when I feel weak and hopeless. If He does not rescue me then there is no rescue but I will still praise Him and obey Him.

The righteous do not allow circumstances to dictate what their actions. They trust in the Lord and what He has promised in in Him do they find their solace. I love God. He who has kept His promises to Israel will keep His promises to me.

I'm down but I'm far from out.

peace on your head

30 october 2008

2008-10-30T19:29:00.001-07:00

I was reading today's Torah portion. it is Genesis 6:9-11:32 when I received this idea that I would like to try out.

Since my days back in seminary there has been a lot of debate about the judgment of God. many people say that God is too loving to allow anyone to spend the rest of eternity not only separated from Him but also in punishment for their sins and unrighteousness.

In reading the account of Noah we see that God rightly surveys the heart of every single person on the planet and decides to punish them with death. The interesting thing is that Gos decides to save only a few people.

In 2 Pet 2:5 - 10 Peter refers to this event. He says that God will punish.

if God knows how to keep us safe then it must be by- "us"- relying on his strength, to give us all that we must have in order to live up to his standard.

I am tired and need some prayer.
God is always good

peace on your head

16 october 2008

2008-10-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

I wonder what life would be like if one was really willing to pay the price for their beliefs?

I have this real theological issue that has plagued me these last few days. It came a somewhat of a surprise since I thought that I had come to a conclusion. I guess that I was obviously wrong. Since I seemed stuck I asked a good friend for advice. My friend agreed to listen to me and offer some help.

My friend asked me if getting to the bottom of this issue would change things for me. I replied, "no". This friend told that maybe I should then leave my pondering and not worry about it. I was aghast with disbelief. Okay this particular theological issue is one of those sticky issues that people just cannot seem to agree or disagree about.

To leave a struggle just because it is difficult and may upset people or ruin my carrier is just not good enough for me. It could be that I have totally misunderstood what my friend meant, but I find that many people who call themselves Christian have taken a very passive attitude to their faith.

Doing the research and exploring the differing views is a lot of work. It is a lot of reading. It is not very exciting, but getting to a defendable statement of truth is about much more than who is right or wrong.

What it is about is having a world view that is worth living for. Jesus died upon the cross, died and later on was buried only to rise from the grave 3 days later. He paid that price for our sins so that every person who is willing to trust in what Christ did on the cross will have forgiveness and eternal life. He gave his apostles instructions on how they should live, after they receive the Holy Spirit. If this is really true then when will we start taking it seriously enough so that we live our lives by it.

peace on your head

13 october 2008

2008-10-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

Trying to convey objective truth is not always easy. First you need to make sure that person or persons you are trying to communicate this truth too want to receive it. The next step involves you being able to present this material in such a way that the person receiving it will understand what you mean.

The conveying of this truth must be logical, while at the same time interesting. The very worst thing in the world would be to make the truth boring. I do not mean that you have to be an entertainer but keeping you audience's attention is very important. Now in an age of the short attention span and diminished memory function, maintaining your listener's attention makes the passing on of truth even more challenging.

A true truth-teller is compelled, by some inner engine, to make the truth known even if they are fully aware that doing so might seem uncomfortable, politically incorrect, cost them being ostracized, or make the listener upset. For such a person, telling the truth, is a must. This does not in any way mean telling it all. Telling the truth for the sake of gossiping, bettering one's own position, causing harm, hurt or injuring to someone is not being a truth-teller. It's just being mean.

It is now always fun hearing this kind of truth. This kind of truth reveals things that I may not wish to face up to. It shines light into the hidden crevices and exposes what is hidden there. It can strip away the power of hiding. You know, when something is hidden then the maintaining of the secret becomes something that requires energy from me. What I don not mean is something that is said in confidence or something that should not be made public, but things that allow other people to have a better picture of me than what and who I really am.

Keeping us such a mask means taking energy from some other area where it is needed, for my own personal growth, an using it keep people from discovering a more true picture of me. Now I am fully aware that part of not letting all of me be seen is a component to my personal defense system. I need to make sure that revealing these hidden truths about me are not used against me or become the source of harm to others. Even God, wh0 is all truth, and goodness and light, does not reveal all things about himself. But he does reveal enough to take a risk.

This can happen to individuals as well as organizations. It causes a lack of self reflection. It might even result in the acceptance of a deceiving attitude. Refusal to see the truth makes one more susceptible to delusion. The truth's ability to pierce the shell of the heart can, in this environment, loose the sharpness of its point. It still looks like the spear of truth, but unfortunately it no longer pierces. The church in Sardis was like this. Jesus, truth-telling, says that they thought that they were alive but in reality they were dead.

So even though it is sometimes very difficult to communicate truth to people who have short attention spans, the truth must come from a living source and not a dead one. I wonder if I have the ability to realize when I am in the place of the dead instead of in the place of the living?

peace on your head

9 october 2008

2008-10-09T01:37:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel that being a priest is very limiting. What I mean is that since ordination I have become aware of the fact that I can loose this position. It might be different for others but for me this means that there can be a sort of idolatrous quality to be being a priest. I might like this so much that I desire it and may not be willing to give it up. Now it can become the carrot that entices me to go against what I believe to be true and right.

This become all the more clear when I consider how many potential risks I could take if I were not afraid of being stripped from the clergy. Every word I utter is weighed against “how much will these words or phrases cost me”.

I’m afraid I might be becoming a people pleaser. Being a priest is making me less bold and radical. I’m becoming careful and strategic. I never envisioned me becoming this kind of a leader. I’m just not ______ enough to be a priest. I think that we should speak in normal language about normal things, but all the time allowing this talk to be seasoned with the Christian world view that the Bible gives.

For example, some people are really offended when I say that Jesus sweated, went pooh and pee, farted and other normal human things. The fact that Jesus farted means that he was truly human in every aspect. For me this does not take away his divinity only accentuates it. Jesus is also God. Everything that God says and does in the Old Testament is reflected in Jesus. There is no difference. This means that he had to give a whole lot to take on flesh and be like us. It makes the incarnation that much stronger and virgin birth that much more tangible.

I can’t follow the politically correct stream nor can I follow the over spiritual pious one either. I am neither conservative nor liberal because, for the most part, both camps only want to spend time in there little closed circle of like-minded thinking and never venture out into the real world. One group wants to be like the world without transformation and the other wants to be so totally transformed that they stop being human.

Racists, drug traffickers, activists, cultists, false religious leaders, etc, can all say what they think and know to be true, I feel so trapped by consequences imposed by others. It is not even possible to discuss these ideas, except with a selected few. The goal is to make on one uncomfortable. The sharp point of the spear of truth is dulled just enough so that it no longer penetrates the heart of the listener. In such an environment there can be no transformation or fully committed followers of Christ.

God save us from our stupidity

Peace on your head

1 october 2008

2008-10-01T01:03:00.000-07:00

I came home two days ago from a trip to England. It was a very special 4 days with some of the members of Flumgruppen. This is a follow-up group to confirmation.

Now it has been a few days and so it is important to see what remains from these few days in which we visited churches in London.

I am still so overwhelmed by the level of openness and hospitality that was exhibited by the various churches. The thing that makes this so significant is the fact that these churches were from differing traditions and denominations. We all felt so welcomed when we came in.

I know that if a church is welcoming then people will want to belong. It is something that we are very poor about in Sweden. Hospitality is at a very low level in the average church in Sweden. Most people feel that it is very difficult to belong. This is a very serious offense. It is so far from the heart of God.

Our God opens his arms in order to receive those who come to him. If we are his children then we should manifest the characteristics of our family, but for the most part we don't.

In each of these churches, despite there very different traditions and ways of worshiping, they seemed to be focused upon heartfelt worship, a clear view of the Bible as the word of God, and inviting those who are far away from God to draw near to him.

In my church we very seldom invite people to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour. We say that we care but we hardly ever make that a reality. We are not so welcoming to strangers. Even among the young people you can see this tendency, to want to remain in one's own comfortable and closed group, and I have no idea if it will ever change.

I so desire to belong to and to work in a church which is open to people who do not belong to our particular group. If it is difficult to belong then it will be difficult to believe.

I feel that something needs to be done, but I just do not know what. If the Kingdom of God has landed in our hearts and minds then it should not our openness be affected. I want to be a vehicle of change that will affect my church so that it will be open, welcoming and on fire for God.

I hope that the experiences of the past week will be with me long enough to see change take place

peace on your heads

18 september

2008-09-18T00:30:00.000-07:00

Today I am very happy. Yesterday a few young people decided that they want to be Christians. God is good.
Just a few days ago I was praying and asking God to let me see just a little piece of the fruit of my labor. Now I feel like God has answered my prayer. This does not mean in any way that every day is just a walk in the park.
Believe me it is not. I am in a personal state of flux. I believe that the Bible is God's word. To many people they might think that I have now become a fundamentalist. That is something that I cannot answer myself, but must leave that judgment to others. My fruit will determine what type of tree I am.

Anyway, I feel that as a leader in the Body of Christ, I need to live, not only, an exemplary lifestyle but a radical lifestyle. My problem is that there are quite a few issues that are on the table these days. I do not believe that I am called by God to enter into each and every arena. But I do believe that there are some areas where I should engage my culture and time with an unwavering stand for what is right.

Salvation for each and every person. I am not a Universalist. I believe that everyone needs a personal faith in Jesus Christ. Many people think that we should not share our faith with young people or people who are born into or have another faith. I do not agree.

The Christian faith can only be true or false. If it is true then it is the hope for all of humanity. If it is false then it should be eradicated. I hope that these three young people are but the beginning of a tidal wave of young people coming to the realization that God has a central place in their lives and that the way that happens is by accepting his son, Jesus Christ.

I pray for more.

peace on your head

29 aug 2008

2008-08-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

I have been really worried lately.
I feel like things are on the edge. I really want to serve God but I'm finding that this is not always easy. there are many times in a person's life where they have to make a choice between preserving what they now have in their hands and risking it all by doing the right thing.

I do not believe that God has led me all this way just so that I can become blinded by comfort and security. what I do believe is that He has led me to this point in my life so that I may choose Him above everything.

Yesterday I was so worried about a document that requires my signature on it. The thing that worries me is that I may be asked to sign my name in support of things which I believe are contrary to the Word of God. In effect I would be asked to say that right is wrong and wrong is right. Refusing to sign this will in all likelihood caused me to be removed from a part of my job that I hold very dear. This would cause a chain effect and I will have to quit without any prospect in sight of being able to contribute to the economical well-being of my family.

The choice is once again between comfort and security.

But one thing that I know about God is that those who are steadfast and committed to doing that which is right in His eyes can count on God's help and guidance. this is not the case for those who choose to oppose Him or being deceived they wrongly assume that He will not react in accordance with what He has said.

I guess that as I reflect upon this I understand that greater is He that is in me than that which is in the world. He is my light, my sword, my strong fortress and shield and therefore I need not be afraid or tremble at the threats of others. The Lord will be my avenger.

I have come to to the realization that as He has called me, He must lead me. I cast my lot in His hands and there I will stay until Judgment Day.

I am proud to be a child of God. His word is true and teaches us about the life the please Him. I will not fear a document nor the bad theology of those with more power than myself. I will trust in the Lord and follow Him. I will live for Him and if I am wrong then He shall discipline and correct me so that I may live.

God is great

peace on your heads

25 aug 2008

2008-08-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

i have been working way too much. I wish that I could slow down but ...

everyone is trying to get me to do less but that doesn't work for me. what does work is that we were a few more who could help out. it's about others taking some responsibility.

i understand what Jesus meant when we said the laborers are few. I really wish that God would just open my eyes so that i could see the laborers. I would invite them to the harvest and then together we would reap a great harvest as directed by the Lord of the harvest.

I believe that the time is now for us to go out and spread the Gospel of Christ to all of Uppsala. we should not delay any longer.

may this day be lived in such a way that God is pleased and glorified

peace

svårt att be - difficult to pray

2008-08-22T02:02:00.000-07:00

this week I had really wanted to pray, but I never seem to get around to it.
I find that this is one of the real challenges of being a priest.

When I was in seminary I always looked down on the visiting priests who talked about how little time they had for preparation and individual devotion. I was so certain that I was not going to end up like them.

the truth is that I am like them. I am so inundated with paper work that I often don't make time for prayer. things keep popping up. there is alway something else that needs to be signed or a conversation that needs to take place. It is so difficult that many times I just give up.

I have every intention of this term being different but so far it has still been too many days where I have planned on praying but then I never make it. Sometimes I think that it might be better if we there were a few others who would like to pray with me. Even this is difficult. many of my Christian friends don't have time either.

this past Sunday we were a few who prayed and it was so "härligt" that is wonderful. I really enjoyed just spending time before God. I have truly missed it.

i wonder when did everything else become so important.

this has to change

before i sleep

2008-08-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

today I had a very interesting thing happen to me. I guess that lately I've been thinking a lot about that day in the future when each and every person will stand before the judgment seat of Jesus Christ to be judged according to what they have done here.

The problem is that there are so many people who falsely think that saying a sinner's prayer, while a good thing, is all that they have to do to get into heaven. what i mean by this is that the Christian faith is not the prayer. I don't think that saying the prayer should be a goal in itself. Sometimes you can hear Christian workers referring to the effectiveness of their work by making reference to things like how many people said the sinner's prayer, the number of people baptized this month, the number of people a new member's class or some other similar thing.

i guess that I have come to the conclusion that it is the long term fruit that is a better indication of what our impact is for the kingdom. I do not in any way wish to belittle the valuable work and the long hours that many evangelism oriented groups and individuals put into helping people across the threshold of faith. Without these people's dedication we would probably see a lot less people in church these days.

There are a group of young people, mostly boys, outside of our church who can make life very difficult and tiresome. Many people think that they should just start behaving better and start respecting our church and it's property. Sometimes I am so amazed by the fact that many people seem to think that doing right is just a matter of realizing that one is doing wrong and then making the appropriate corrections.

I feel that if I lay on the salesmanship really thick, I could get many of these guys to say a sinner's prayer. And for many people that would be such a great accomplish that it would be worthy of much praise. The problem is that the sinner's prayer cannot effect a changed nature in these guys. For the most part they know that what they have done and are doing are not the kinds of things that gets one into the presence of God for all of eternity. So many of them would, more than likely, say the sinner's prayer as a guarantee against spending all of eternity away from God's presence in hell. Many would wrongly think that they can now do as they please since having said the sinner's prayer forces God to let them into his kingdom.

What would be more fair to these guys is to tell them the whole story and not just inform them about the benefits. They need to know about taking up one's object of death and scorn on a daily basis and then being willing to follow Jesus Christ as their master. They would need to be informed about the cost factor. Once they have considered the cost then saying the sinner's prayer has a deeper foundation. The emphasis of the Christian worker is then to give them a balanced picture of what being a Christian is about. Fewer might make a decision to follow Jesus but more would be willing to live the radial life of a true follower of Jesus Christ.

Yes, I did say a true follower, meaning that there are false followers. Just look at their fruit. A tree can be very easily identified by its fruit. more about that later on.

peace on your head

Edward

wow it's been a while

2008-08-11T00:49:00.002-07:00

I have now been employed for two years but only 1½ years since my ordination.

I was so overwhelmed by the size and the responsibility of my job. It is still very large and difficult to manage but I believe that I am starting to grow into the position. My largest struggle has been living a life with Christ in the center. I have so many questions that has still gone unanswered, but I guess that this is part of the journey.

I believe so many things that go against Swedish society. My struggle is that I hate conflict so much that I often do say anything when maybe I should. I don't mean that I need to propagate my opinions just because I need to be right, but sometimes what is being said is not only wrong but it is influencing people and giving them false hope. I wonder how will I fare on judgment day?

today we have a group coming from France and I just now thought about them needing sleeping bags. I hope that they have thought of that on their own. i keep on making mistakes. i just wish that one day would go without a hitch, but then that would probably not be my life.

last week I was moaning about not being able to preach so often, when one of my young leaders helped me so see that preaching is not only done from the pulpit but is more often done when we meet others and do life with them. this was such a deep and important insight for me.

There are a lot of things to like about my job. i get to work both inside and outside of the church. I'm not limited to only one group of people. we have people who are far away from God, others who are struggling to find him, and a group who have decided to embrace the truth of God's word. This makes being a priest very exciting and keeps me guessing.

I hope that this day will be lived for Jesus. I must make sure that I have time to pray and read my Bible. We have guests coming to the church and there is a whole lot of planning that still needs to get done.

well I have to get to work.

wow it

2008-08-11T00:49:00.001-07:00

back from the States 2

2008-01-16T16:57:00.000-08:00

Well, this past Monday (14 jan) I flew into Stockholm from Florida.
I had been at the All Staff Conference in Orlando, FL. I have to admit that, after this past fall, this was just what I needed. To spend a week with up to 4000 other Christians who also have a burning passion to bring the gospel of Jesus Christ to young people around the world was so edifying and healing that my meager words cannot do it justice.

I believe that I can safely say that my depression has gone over and I no longer wish to throw in the towel and give up. We had one day of fasting and guided prayer and than meant a lot to me. Earlier last spring, I had this idea that we would not start with our activities until we had completed a time of prayer. To my great surprise this idea was totally shot down.

I believe that prayer is very important especially before undertaking planning and strategies. It was really something to sit in a room with 4000 people divided into smaller groups praying for the same thing. The Holy Spirit was very present. During those days I had some time to really just praise and listen to God talk to my soul. I may still believe that I could be so much more effective as a pastor in the States than here in Sweden, but I've decided to leave all of that in God's hands.

I may not understand why God called me to Sweden nor ever feel that I am doing anything worthwhile, but I trust God and therefore I can rest in what I know about God more than achieving some kind of expected results.

We were treated to the stories of individuals who have been encouraged and loved in spite of some tsunami sized obsticles. This gave me a great deal of hope. It is as though God has really healed a great sore in my spirit.

One of the surprising things is to happen is that I realized that I feel very disliked. I'm not saying that this feeling is grounded in any factual evidence but it is something that has affected me for several decades. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel like no one really likes me or wants to have me around unless I can do lots of different things. It is the different things that they need and so they are forced to accept me as part of the deal. This is how I feel in my family, around the vast majority of my friends, and at my job. I feel like the young people in my church dislike me or even wish to have nothing to do with me. I feel like almost all of my teachers in the seminary hate me.

Everyday I go to work I think that this will be my last day. I'm going to get fired. I'm so afraid that my wife is just going to leave me, not because she has said anything, or even hinted at it. I just get this feeling that I can't really seem to shake. It is always at the edge of my thoughts waiting to take over.

I spoke to my friend Patrik and he told me that these feelings are lies and not the truth. I guess that I am still that short kid with the sqweaky soprano voice, that always gets picked last or as a reserve who never gets to play. I remember being so ashamed that I didn't have a girlfriend and was a virgin that I made up stories about having sex. Kind of strange in a way, since I believed that sex outside of marriage was wrong. Mostly it was that I just didn't like girls in that way. I really didn't want a girlfriend just close female friends. But not having a girlfriend made me an oddball. I didn't fit in.

Now I'm a priest and I still do not fit in. Everyone seems bothered by the fact that I don't measure up to what they expect of a priest or someone who is about to turn 46 years old (tomorrow). I'm not immature I just think that it is still fun to have fun. I still like to learn and experience new things.

I really need let go of all of this. I need to just reach out and take my heavenly Father's hand and just let him lead me through 2008. One thing is to make sure that i prioritize my relationship with God, this year. No one may come to faith this year; I may not see any fruit from my labors; I may never experience a full day of satisfaction in my job or family life, but I will seek God with my whole heart. He is my refuge and my strong tower. This is renewed confidence in the character of God, as the only thing I need for contenment, is something that I received from the Young Life All Staff Conference.

I do not fear this year even though it may turn out to be a real doosie.

back from the States

2007-12-18T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well now I am home and I need to go to sleep because in a few hours I will need to wake up and get ready for work.

I was so relaxed in the States that I forgot how sad I was prior to my leaving Sweden. Now that it has sinked in that I am back then it is as though I have never left. I have pain in my stomache and I still feel so sad.

i have no idea what is going to happen this week. i have been trying to imagine this week before Christmas time from a more positive perspective but I just can't.

I guess that i really have no real reason to feel this way. At least i have a job. There are so many people who have been out of work for years. It's not easy finding work in Sweden so I should be grateful and thankful. I'm not saying that I'm not being grateful or thankful but I just don't know what 2008 is going to be like.

it scares the stuff right out of me.

Well I will write more about the States later on

God is good

I'm leaving the States

2007-12-17T01:05:00.000-08:00

This week has gone by very quickly. it is very difficult to believe that in a few hours I will be boarding an airplane to return to Sweden.

I have spent the majority of the week with my little brother David. he has bought a rather large Christian bookstore. This means that I haven't spent as much time with f ex my sister and mother.

it's kind of funny but i haven't had a single pain in my stomache nor been depressed. Now I am nervous again. I have meetings to attend to and plans to take care of when I arrive back in Sweden.

I really wish that I could have stayed here in the States for at least another couple of weeks, but since my family is still in the States then I have to leave and get my but back to Uppsala.

The funeral for my paternal grandmother was very nice. I am glad that I got the opportunity to come and be a part of that. with my father, grandmother and two grandfathers being buried in the same place it gave me time to pay my respects and to reflect upon their lives.

one of the most important parts of this trip has been spending time with my 17 year old daughter. Me being so far away is really difficult for her. Today we actually talked about why she feels the way that she does about me. It was a very productive conversation. I felt much better after we spoke with each other.

well I guess that I will try to get som sleep so that I can get ready to board my plane.

I'm going to the States

2007-12-03T22:29:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, December 8th, I shall be going to California. You see my paternal grandmother (farmor) died last week. When I found this out I also found out that my maternal grandmother had been admitted into the hospital earlier that same week.

This news combined with my mother being severely injured in a car crash this August has become very much for me. I’ve hade such a difficult autumn. At the moment I’ve fallen into a low period which seems very difficult to leave.

I’ve come under some really difficult criticism this year. There are so many people who are unhappy with me, that it seems as though I’ve done at best poorly and at worst I’ve failed miserably. I guess that is why I’m so down. I wanted to server God with all of my heart, body and understanding. I had such intentions of putting him first in every area of my life. This does not mean that I live perfectly or outside of God’s grace, put that the greatest influence in my life was to be my God.

I am so optimistic about time. I always feel that I have more of it. This plays itself out in various ways.
So what is really bothering me well it is a combination of things that when added together have become a very large weight on my heart.

· I thought that my grandmother would live for many more years. We were planning to visit America next year and so my wife and daughter would finally get to met her and she them. I was going to bring pictures of my ordination and our vacations to show them and now it is too late.
· I haven’t been able to keep in touch with my friends like I’d like to because I have so much work to do. Now it has been a long time since I’ve spoken to anyone. This only contributes to the feelings of loneliness and isolation that have increased since ordination.
a. I have lots of friends or at least I know lots of people. It’s just that my job creates a distance to others.
· My son was here and now he is gone to Boston. I am so worried about him. I want to help him, but I can not be more concerned about the things that trouble him that he is. We had a very honest conversation when he was here and he told me that he didn’t believe in God. I’m still grieving that one.
· My grandfather, father and grandmother have all died in the last five years. They have never got to see me reach this goal. They died thinking that I am a goofball and there is nothing that I can do to change that
· The majority of the young people that have grown up in the church where I now work as the youth pastor think that I have done a very poor job. This was the hardest blow of all. I never knew that they were so unhappy. Many of them want things to be like they were and it can’t be so, because things have changed. Now I don’t feel like teaching or preaching anymore. Here I can cease from taking part in the worship services and just be an administrator and that is perfectly okay.
a. The majority of the young people who have not grown up in the church think that I’m doing a good job.
b. Even some of my former teachers from seminary have written to my superiors (not coming to me first) and complained.
c. People blame me that the kids that live around our church have started coming.
· In spite of being able to walk with young people over the thresh hold of faith we can’t seem to bring them into the fellowship. It hurts my heart to see such a lack of hospitality.
· I was at a priest meeting this fall. I am the only dark-skinned priest in Uppsala. So when a church official told a joke with the punch line including the word “neger” (this is the same as nigger) I felt angry and embarrassed. There was nothing I could do but sheepishly go away and take my place. Everyone was watching to me like I was a monkey in a cage.
· I am so much more aware of the discrimination in the society at large and especially in the church. I feel so powerless to be a part of the positive change.
· Because of where I work some of my friends say that I’m not a real priest. It only bothers me because they are good friends. Now I just keep my distance and that makes me sad.
· Someone in my Bible study group has left the faith. This has really rocked the faith of many in the group. We have had some very intense prayer moments where we were just pouring out our hearts to God for her and for our selves. She has written to several members in the group and just vehemently attacked the Christian faith. I know that she is hurting and that many of her complaints are even justified. This only makes it all the more difficult.
· A couple of my young people have not been doing so well this term. They are sad and troubled and we haven’t been able to help them.

I am weary, sad and worn. This has made me question a lot. With so many people upset with me I’ve decided to just do nothing for a while. I wanted to belong to a church where it would be easy for people to come in and feel welcomed and wanted. Many people say that there are no perfect churches, but I’ve never looked for one of those. I know that I could never be a part of a perfect church.

The truth is that in spite of a very trying time there are still good things happening. God has not deserted me. He loves me and holds me near himself. I would not be able to make it through this if God had not been with me at every step of the way.

In spite of the fact the very little has turned out the way that I wanted it to, even gone in the opposite direction of my prayers, I can not turn my back on the only one who truly loves me. My faith does not sit on whether or not things go my way but on the character of He who is the object of that faith and that is the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth.

Maybe because I will not turn my face from his, he has shown me that in midst of great pain and struggle there is always something good that he can accomplish. I trust him with my life and I hope that I always shall.

Ed

Good Friday

2007-04-06T16:59:00.001-07:00

Today is Good Friday. Jesus died for about 1923 years ago, that is if you set his death and resurrection in 30 A.D. There has been quite a lot written about this subject so I’m sure that I don’t have anything new to add to the subject.

What I do find interesting is how many people want the focus of the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection to be about something other than his resurrection. In Sweden we can celebrate witches, the Easter bunny, eggs and chocolate, but if you bring up the real reason for celebrating Easter people will look at you quite strange.

I could be wrong in my assessment, but I’d like to share something that happened to me today. I was the präst-på-stan “priest-in-town” with a group of young people from various churches. They started last summer by making thin Swedish pancakes, with jam and whipped cream, and passing them out for free. Sometimes people would find out that they were Christians and start talking to them about spiritual things. They were nicknamed the pancake church, pankakskyrka, and the name stuck. Last summer and now during Holy Week’s last three days they have been having a show in the middle of town.

This may not seem very special where you are, but here in Uppsala this is something really unique. Well as the priest people can, if they want to, come and ask me questions. Today not one person did that, which is okay, since it is very unusual in Sweden that people who have not been introduced to one another should strike up a conversation that extends beyond asking for directions.

After a while I got this thought in my head to go up to people and wish them a Glad Påsk, Happy Easter. From zero contact to quite a lot of contact, was a very interesting phenomenon to observe. The majority smiled and said thank you. It would not surprise me if a relatively large number of those who accepted the greeting wondered if I were only dressed up as a priest or if I was a real priest.

Not everyone was glad to hear “Glad Påsk” but in no pleasant way made it clear that my message were unwelcome. There is a lot of skepticism when it comes to religion, especially Christianity. Very many people in Sweden think that it is very strange that someone who is a Christian would actually believe in basic beliefs of our faith.

Take the resurrection as an example. The majority of researchers believe that Jesus was a historical person who actually lived. There are quite a few references to Jesus that are outside of the Bible. He died by crucifixion and was buried. His death left his disciples very demoralized and dejected. After 3 days several of Jesus’ followers had experiences that lead them to believe that it was the resurrected Jesus. They went around telling people that Jesus the Messiah was raised from the dead. The New Testament is the record of this and was written between the years 45 – 90 A.D. This movement eventually spread around the world.

But here people think that to believe this is very strange. It is as though they think that a person can believe in Jesus without believing in the facts surrounding his identity. If Jesus did not die on the cross, was buried and rose from the dead, then our faith is a lie and has absolutely no merit.

Since I believe in miracles then it is a very logical thing to believe in the bodily resurrection of Jesus. Jesus is my Lord and Savior and I am proud to admit that. I am pleased to be able to help people to understand that Jesus died for them also. This gift of eternal life is possible for every person on the earth, if they want to receive it. Maybe this is why people want us to tone it down.

It’s not fun telling someone that each person has already broken God’s law and beyond the shadow of any doubt is guilty and therefore deserves eternal punishment and separation from God. This is going to affect everyone, unless God does something about it. God loves everyone and so Jesus offers up his own blood and died so that the penalty of sin is paid. This gift is presented to everyone and they can accept it or reject it. God never forces anyone into his kingdom.

I don’t know anyone who likes hearing this. In fact quite a few people get really upset when they hear someone say that their future hope depends upon Jesus and him alone. The thing is that even when they know that there is a way out of the condemnation they won’t accept the solution. They want another solution than the one provided, preferably one that allows them to continue on their way. They just don’t seem to want to get it that they are still guilty, since only Jesus can take away their guilt. Every other attempt leaves them guilty.

Now in a pluralistic society it might be considered rude to say to the person who presents another solution, than Jesus, that their solution is not good enough. But if this is really about life and death, then what should be our response? How far should we go?

Tomorrow (Saturday) I will also be präst-på-stan and I hope that I get a chance to talk to people and tell them about what Jesus did for them. We all need to know that God loves us and that he has a plan for our life that begins with accepting the salvation that comes only through his son.

Gudsfrid

ed

have 2 months already passed

2007-03-12T02:21:00.001-07:00

It’s been a while since my last entry. Even though I’ve been working a lot of late nights the reason that I haven’t written anything is because I’ve been thinking quite a lot about my life.

It’s been a month since my ordination and I guess that the honeymoon is now officially over. Lately I’ve find myself I a valley of doubt and uncertainty. This doubt in not on the level of doubting God’s existence or goodness, but has more to do with the warfare of the modern church.

I find myself in the middle of a constant clash of ideas, expectations and application. I think that the church’s message, while timeless and true, should be relevant and easy for the people of this time to understand. I unlike many proponents of contextual theology I do not believe that the neither content nor intensity of the message should in any way be altered.

My problem partially stems from the fact that as an African-American I have a whole other cultural context to the ideas of openness, fellowship, worship and practical application. There is a real clash of culture when my congregation, which is comprised 90% of middle class white Swedes, has expectations of my conduct and focus that are totally foreign to me. Swedes are very reserved and so they are not forthcoming with their thoughts. They may criticize my methods but they never come with any real suggestions or ideas that will help me to understand what they really mean.

Jesus talks about a principle that a grain seed must first fall to the ground and die in order to live and bear fruit. He said that the one who tries to preserve his life will loose it but the one who is willing to let it all go will be the one who actually gains.

Everyone wants things to be like they were. This is impossible for me to know what it was like because I wasn’t there and there are no notes or instructions from that time. Everyone expects me to preserve something that is not longer relevant, just because they think that is was good. Things are so good that no one wants it to end. So we have to build high thick walls in order to keep out the polluting and changing influences of the “outside world”. This is, though, a real danger. When did the Church ever get commissioned to keep things the same and to hide from the world? Weren’t we supposed to change the world? Weren’t we supposed to go out into the world around us and be its salt and light?

Ever since we locked the doors of our church and decided to not allow young people to come in things have been increasingly heavy. It’s like walking through waist-high oatmeal. The exception to this is that if the young people are part of a church activity then they can come in. when the majority of the kids who are not allowed to come in have immigrant backgrounds and the majority of those who are allowed to come in are Swedes then you can just imagine what this looks like. I’m not saying that it is so, only that it is very difficult not to see as such. Many of the kids who are not allowed to come have asked me if this is the reason. While I emphatically deny it my heart goes out to them. How sad that a church is associated with such thoughts. How sad in a country where so few young people set their foot in a church have we decided to close them out.

I am very alone in my opinions and as far as I know, I have very little support in the congregation. There are a lot of people in the congregation, as well as the other employees, who are very displeased with me because I still go out and try to engage these kids.

I feel like everyone wants to tell me how I should act because maybe they are placing way too much value on my actions or maybe at some level my way of being makes them look bad. I must say that I am in no way without fault nor am I a saint. I just happen to have a lot of patience and refuse to treat the young people in any way than what I believe Jesus would do.

It is difficult to believe that I have only been ordained about 6-7 weeks. It really seems like a lifetime. Now reading this may make you think that our church is this really bad place, but in reality I think that it is like very many other churches.

I’ve only been writing about a very specific area and have not in any way reflected the fact that we have a lot of activities and lots of people have had a positive interaction with the church. We have several choirs, scouts, various youth groups, senior’s lunches, sewing group, alpha and beta groups as well as many other types of activities. So, on a weekly basis we are meeting lots of people.

I don’t believe that I’m bitter or feeling like only I am doing all of the work. I don’t feel like I am in some way superior either. I don’t feel sorry for myself nor do I feel like I’m the only one who has “the answer”. I just feel that things are not as certain as I earlier thought they would be.

It is not easy being a priest. 65% of my time is spent in meetings and on paperwork. There are budgets to plan, reports to read and write, decisions to make and papers to sign. When I was in seminary we used to talk about how we were going to preach God’s word in such a way that it would inspire us and the listeners to live whole-heartedly for God. We would try to life as we preached. I wanted to have maximum time with people. I had imagined that I would spend about 25 % of my time on paperwork and meetings. How can someone be so wrong?

And yet in spite of all of this there is time to visit with people and pray for them and with them. There is time to witness about God’s love and salvation through Christ. There is not a whole lot of time but there is still time, which by some miracle of God, for the needs of others to be met. It never ceases to amaze me just how little raw product it takes for God to make something wonderful out of it. That God can take my very tiny seed of time and harvest so many bushels of goodness is a great mystery to me.

Today I’m going to start a new week. I will probably meet a lot of rude kids; a lot of happy kids; a lot of hurting kids; a lot of confused and lot of kids that seem to have it all together. I just hope that by God’s grace and mercy He lead me by His Spirit and open my eyes and ears so that I may see His will and adjust my life accordingly.

I want to be obedient and filled with mercy and compassion.

Gudsfrid

Ed

doing enough

2007-02-06T17:49:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been really trying. I have been working quite a lot lately. It seems that no matter how many hours I work I just cannot seem to get enough done.

someone at my job is always saying that paperwork is not my gift and that somehow makes me upset. When I was interviewed no one asked me about my office skills. In fact a lot of what I do is attending to very small things that have been given the status of something great.

Last week another friend commented that I should not, on my own, try to save the world. I was very disturbed by that comment. First of all only an idiot would think that he or she could, all by themself, somehow redeem the world. I may be driven but I'm not stupid.

this is one of the areas that is most challenging for me. As far as I know, Sweden is the only country in the world which has believes that mediocore (or average) is best. Over the entire world best is best. This idea that average is good enough might be fine in some areas but overall I think that this is very damaging. There is a lack of wanting to achieve excellence.

Since I don't believe in Lone Ranger leadership I have to work with others. The problem is that for many people the lowest necessary amount is their goal. It is what always limits what they can accomplish. Now someone may read this and think that I want to work with a lot of work-aholics, but nothing is farther from the truth. Whereas those seeking only to do average (lagom) work is limiting workaholics opt for total slavery. work-aholics are not very fun to be around.

I just want to do a really good job and therefore If I can choose, I would prefer to work with others who also wanted to do a really good job. I'd like to take some pride in a job well done.

I feel like most people give snide remarks and comments about my wanting to see things done even if it means that I have 4-6 different projects throughout the week. Very many people get disturb when someone else does more than they do. This may be because it proves that more can be done. Personally I don't care about the amount of production a person produces because I know that individuals can only produce what their particular conditions allow.

what I do mind is others trying to limit me to their levels and then using that as a means of passing judment.

Today I have been really reevaluating my place in Gamla Uppsala. All the meetings are starting to take their toll. The endless talking about a problem that no one seems to want to solve. I don't mind discussing and taking the necessary time to fully understand the various nuances of a particular problem. I just hate never coming to a solution.

Today I hade to tell three guys that, because of their behavour, they can't come to the church until next week. This makes me really sad and mad. I never thought that I would work in a church that would actually tell someone that they cannot come in. These kids are so blinded by satan that they just behave in really inappropriate manners. Today these three guys were playing with the prayer candles. Even though I told them to stop because people come to the church to pray to God and so they should respect the place (the main sanctuary). they were just running aroung trying to play the organ, piano and play around the altar. I asked them repeatedly but to no avail. finally our custodian was using a laddar outside and one of the guys, because the other guys egged him on, kicked the laddar while the custodian was standing on it. Luckily he was not injured, but he could have been. they came up and shouted that they hated him and wish that he was dean and that is why they did what the did.

I felt that this was sufficient to inform them that they will not be allowed in until next week. I have not idea if I am truly following Christ. I don't feel like I am. I just don't have any other way to meet these kids and interact with them. I feel like giving up and yet I know that I cannot.

One day I would like to feel like I've done enough.

Gudsfrid

a couple of weeks later

2007-02-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks have passed since my ordination and so I’m still new at being a priest. This past Tuesday I had put on my priest shirt before met with our confirmand, but I forgot my collar. No one said anything to me and so I didn’t notice that anything was out of place until after I came upstairs.

I still don’t feel very different with the exception that I have to get used to my new clothing. This weekend I will be giving a very short sermon about how God can be the beginning and the end of one’s day.

God is the beginning and end to every single day we live. He allows his rain to fall upon the good and the evil.

The international Bible study in Uppsala is going to go bobsledding this weekend. It should be a lot of fun

Lately I’ve become so buried by all of the paperwork that I haven’t had time to just hang with people. I know that many people, whom I know, complain that they I’m not very easy too reach. They are of course correct.

Gudsfrid

jan 18

2007-01-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

I'm standing with the bishop of Uppsala Diocee, the acting chiarman of Swedish Evangelical Mission (this is the part of the Church of Sweden that I work in), Björn and Malin (they are standing closest to me on my left) and the Dompröst (who happens to come from Finland), at the southern port.

Well it has been several days since my ordination and turning 45, and to tell the truth, I don’t really feel any difference on my part. It sounds very strange till hear people referring to me by, “Hi priest (Hej prästen)”. I hope that my friends won’t start treating me differently now that I’m ordained.

So last night in Uppsala Cathedral (Uppsala Domkyrkan) there was this ecumenical prayer meeting. Whenever we do something, in Uppsala, which transpires over denominational and theological boundaries, it seems that the presence of God becomes very tangible. This was the first time that I wore my collar since my ordination. I hadn’t shaved and so the collar itched and felt strange, but more unfamiliar than uncomfortable. I guess that it’s going to take some time before I get used to this new phase.

Well I have some more pictures to show off.

In our liturgical services we stand and sit a lot. I can't remember which part of the service this is but it has to be pretty early on. The long dress is called an alba in Swedish. It is supposed to symbolize a connection to the baptismal dress that one has a child or confirman but officially it symbolizes the long shirt that Jesus wore. A priest is to walk in the footsteps of Jesus.

This is when the actual ordination is taking place. The Bishop, domprost, representatives from the educational institutions (we have two in Uppsala), my personal assistent and a representative from the district that I am going to work as a priest in (my district is called Old Uppsala Congregation - Gamla Uppsala församling) all lay their hands and pray. This confers the office in a succession that stretches back to the apostles.

I felt as though the Holy Spirit filled me and gave me confidence to face what I need to do in the future. I will always remember this moment in my life. This was really, really big.

I have been struggling with my calling for some time. When this happened it felt like God was saying that in spite of my heavy American accent, workaholic tendencies and not having very many dark-skinned foreign-born priests in the church, that this was no hinder for God, and therefore I should stop worrying so much. Mistakes are part of the life that God calls us to. Think about it. God is so loving that he is okay with our misstakes.

After we are ordained and recieve the signs of our office we participate in distributing the Holy Communion.

So I am giving the bread, an non-fermented wafer called an oblat, to someone standing in line. The Body of Christ broken for you... Hans passed out the wine, which presents the Blood of Christ shed for you...

God is gracious and good. I say this because I am always in awe of the expressions on the faces of those who come forward. It is as though they are recieving a pardon for crimes committed.

I feel very humbled to be in such a position. I guess it would be more normal to concentrate upon all of the people looking at me, but that is just not an appealing focal point for me. Call me crazy but I like focusing on what Jesus did for everyone. I couldn't do it and neither could anyone else. To be allowed to participate in the Lord's Communion is a great privilegde which I hope that I never get tired of nor see it as routine.

I hope that this day I will be led and inspired by the Lord so that he is pleased with me.

I have to meet with our youth leaders and I have been agonizing about what we should be doing for this term. I have been praying and reading and asking for help from various sources, all in an attempt to do my best. we have a lot of young people in and around our church who do not know or will not accept that God loves them and sent Jesus to die for them.

I agonize about being relevant and easy to understand. There is so much more to being a priest than writing good sermons. I really am dependent upon God's grace and mercy, wisdom and joy.

Gudfrid

The people in this picture is my oldest son, Eddie, and three of my best friends who started studying theology with me back in 2002. They have been very supportive and patient and I am so glad that they were able to celebrate this day with me. This picture was taken after the dinner we had at my reception.

One of my friends says that when I smile like this I look like the Cookie Monster from Seseme Street.

this is a kaftan

2007-01-16T23:53:00.000-08:00

This is called a kaftan. it is part of the formal wear. in fact instead of a tux I can wear this. in the background you can see my wife, Anette. who would have thought

Gudsfrid

2007-01-16T23:26:00.000-08:00

It might be difficult to see me but I'm the little chocholate chip nearest you. This is exactly before the Bishop lays his hands on us and presents with the symbols of our ordination.

You can't see it in this picture but the cathedral was about 75% full.

i can't believe it but it is over. It was a very moving ceremony. it really felt like the Holy Spirit was very present.

as the pictures come in I will try to add them and for those who are not familiar with the CoS (Church of Sweden) I will try to explain. If you have any questions then feel free to ask.

I was so nervous. I had to pee almost from the very beginning of the 1½ hour service. I was so afraid that I might faint and then pee on myself. I kept praying, "God please keep my bladder in check".

In the picture you can see a cordless microphone closest you. This is because we had just, I was the last one, sworn our oaths. We have just sworne to preach the Gospel, the good news about Jesus, in as pure and easy-to -understand way as possible in accordance with our church's confession. we have promised to work so that God is glorified, the church is built up and the realization of the will of God in our world. We promised to have Jesus as a rolemodle ant to bear witness to Gods love and the mystery of reconciliation. All this will be accomplished with help from God.

yes it was big deal. I was presented with a stole and chasuble and then we passed out the elements (bread and wine).

I almost lost it when my oldest son, Eddie, and my youngest daughter, Nikole, came and received the Holy Communion from me. I was so filled with thankfulness to God for that moment.

afterwards there was a whole host of people who came up and congradulated me and wished me well. I am a very lucky person to have so many friends all over the world. I don't know how our why but I am very thankful for my friends and family. There are people who feel very alone and disconnected, so this, having true friends, is in no way a right.

Well today I turn 45 years old. I'm getting so old. I also have to stop writing because I have to go and meet the Archbishop of the Church of Sweden, Anders Weyryd. I hope that it goes well.

later on today I have to go to the hospital. If you think about it pray for me. They are going to check my lever and gall bladder.

The snow that we had over the weekend has now melted away again. The weather thing is really crazy.

Gudsfrid

the night before

2007-01-13T16:52:00.000-08:00

hmmmm

well earlier today I had my prästexam. This is the very last test before being ordained. Björn, Malin and I walked into a room with 12 people from domkapitlet who were going to ask us questions about life and death. At first I was so nervous that I was about to wet my pants.

fortunate for me I kept my pants dry and after a while my nervousness was gone. It was truly a dialouge instead of an interrogation. So it all ended with the announcement that all three of us passed.

in about 5 hours I will wake up and start the process that will lead me into another phase of my life. This is very different from my days as and executive chef. Back then it was the Ed show. Even though I believed that I was serving the customers as well as my staff my main purpose for the day was to create great food (that is the customers would ooh och ahh) and to make a profit.

in this new phase I will bear a yoke of servitude in the service of my God, King and Savior. I will swear and oath and make a covenant in God's name to take the calling of priest in such a way that God is honored, the Church is edified, and God's will will be realized. I promise to remain in the teachings of the church and clear and pure preach the word of God as it is given to us in the Holy Scipture. I promise to be a stewad of the sacraments, follow the church's orders and implement my calling with Christ as a role model. All this, with God's help, i promise to do.

This is really large. I am so nervous and excited and in awe that I can't sleep. Don't worry, I'm going to go to sleep as soon as I've written this entry.

many people have asked me how I feel on the eve of my ordination. Frankly I was glad to have my wife and two close friends at the Bishop's dinner. Anette looked very beautiful and we all had a really good time. I really felt like the people who came to the dinner wished us all the best. A real outpouring of the kind of love that Jesus said would convince those on the outside that we are truly his disciples.

I want to be a good steward of this precious gem (service for others) that I have been presented with. It difficult to put into words, but whatever it is I'm feeling it seems to be a jumbled mixture of various thoughts and feelings.

I am so thankful to God to be able to see this through. He has been watching out for me throughout my whole life regardless of the circumstances.

I want to have a life of worship, that reveals Gods plan to reach those who are not yet aware of his love, grace and mercy. I want to be generous, patient, kind and fearless. If God chooses to use my life then I need to use it to the best of the ability that God has given me.

Jesus Christ is alive and not at all dead.
I'm starting to fall asleep so I had better get off.

I know that there are lots of people whom have prayed for me. I do not have the words to express my gratitude for this service in my behalf. It is large to realize that people take the time from their busy schedules in order to pray for me. I have been cheered on and counseled and when wrong confronted by a whole lot of people. If you read this then I would like to say thank you so much for caring for me.

I wonder what will I write after prästvigning, ordination, tomorrow. I only know that with God's help I will be able to see mountains move.

Gudsfrid

6 days and counting

2007-01-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

i've let a couple of day go by because I was just too tired to write something.

Today was the first full day back at work. I don't mean that I haven't been working but it just that today the other employees were at work.

I sat with my friend from Stockholm (I have not asked if I may use his name so he'll have to remain anonymous for now) when we started talking about clothing.

all this time I have been thinking that after ordination, I would most likely have my priest shirt only when the situation deemed it neccesary. But Stockholm started advocating for the wearing av the shirt with the collar as often as possible.

The root o f this vision could be that growing up in the 60's and 70's has made it very for me to resist authority. The problem is that I have been led by God to an authoritative position. Having to prepare for my upcoming ordination on January 14 at 11:00 i Domkyrkan i Uppsala.

When I have my shirt on then it is easier for topeople to recongnize me. But that is the point. In the lifestyle of being priest being available is a very important thing. So I'm thinking about wearing my priest shirt. He made a very large impression upon me and gave me something to think about.

the wind is blowing very fiecercly and I am very very tired
I think that I have to go and rest now

Gudsfrid

8 & 9 days to go

2007-01-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday I came home so late that I was just too tired to write. Not too much happened yesterday. The only thought I had was about a very strange dream.

in this dream I am kneeling or prostrate, I can't remember which, at the main altar in Uppsal Cathedra and Bishop Persenius (He is the Bishop of Uppsala diocee) had just finished laying his hands on me, when all of a sudden I started glowing.

there was an angel standing over my head and I heard God say that I should pray for the sick. Lately I have been having dreams about praying for the sick. So before we got ready to distribute the Holy Communion (nattvard) in the middle of the Cathedra when I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit leading me to ask someone if they wanted to be healed. i announced if there was anyone who wanted to be healed. I was going to pray for my oldest son, since he has Downs Syndrome, but then I heard a voice saying that he was not sick. So I prayed that God would increase his mental falculties to such a degree that he could fulfill his dream of reading and writing and that we would be better able to communicate. This gave me the confidence to go up to a person who was blind.

i spat on my fingers and massaged his eyes. he could only see shapes then so I prayed and then he could see.

there was a lady in a wheelchair and so I went to her and stretched out my hand and said,. "In the name of Jesus Christ the Son of God" and her arm (she had none) grew out and she recieved strength in her bones and started loudly praising God. Now for those of you who do not live in Sweden, the services in a cathedral, or for that matter in most places, are very, very quite.

everyone was looking and the Bishop looked like a tomato. i don't know if he was angry, amazed or dissappointed that this was happening. i announced that if anyone else wanted to be healed then they could come to St Erik's gate. people were healed and I talked to them about recieving and following Jesus.

The healing continued afterwards and so sick people were being brought to Lötenkyrkan. It so happend that I was in Nyby Gård (this is the area where I spend 50% of my working hours reaching kids that live in that area) when a mother to one of boys came in. She (I won't use their names because this could be very sensitive information that they wouldn't like to spread around) had been in a wheel chair and had pain all over her body. i prayed for her and God healed her. This was so beyond her fantasy that she wanted to know more about Jesus. So we started teaching parents about Jesus. her son was angry with me at first but after I talked to him he also became a Christian. we met in Nyby Gård with women and small children on one side of the room and men on the other side. I spoke in Swedish and what I said was translated inte either Arabic or Persian.

Well our congregation grew and so we had to build this church in Nyby Gård with a large balcony. Lots of people came to believe in God there.

During Livskraft New Year's camp I had a dream that if I took my annointing vial and placed it on the altar then God would fill it with oil to be used to annoint the sick, before praying that God would heal them. I couldn't shake this thought so I placed my vial on the altar, prayed and left it over night. When I came back the next day I was very nervous. I went to the altar and opened my vial but there was no oil in it. I pressed the cotton in it just to make sure, but alas no oil.

I believe that God can heal the sick. But I don't believe that I can command God to heal someone nor can I promise that God will do it, if he has not said anything to me. I just went to check my vial one more time to make sure. There are a lot of people that I have contact with who are sick in a way that medical science cannot help them. There are a lot of people trapped in psychological sicknesses as well. I have an inner longing to see God open a wide window of healing that will meet the needs of so many of the sick around us. I could be wrong, but i believe that this would open the door to being able to boldly preach about the new life that God offers to each person through Jesus Christ.

It seems like not too many people want to hear that message about how they need Jesus in their lives. Well actually I'm not sure that people don't want to hear about it, more like they just don't want to be bored by it. There is a lot to say about presentation and enthusiasm.

I had such a difficult time getting into my computer at work that I didn't get as much done as I'd like to.

today

Anette and I went shopping for a dress for the Bishop's Dinner next week. hmmmmmmmm shopping :( ..., sometimes I forget just how tiring it can be when the mall is full of people. Well we didn't find our game and so the weary hunters came home emptyhanded.

while we were out, I met a young man who was obviously mentally challenged (handicapped for those of you who are not Pc) he came over to me and started talking and wanted to shake my hand. My first thought was no not me. People always seem to see me and want to talk to me. I just wanted to sit down, be sour and read my book. This was not to be.

You see, before we left the house I had a strange impression to take my oil vial with me.(during the last few weeks I've been carrying it with me just in case I might need it. There is still no oil in it but...) So I stuffed it into my left pocket of my down vest and off we went. The really strange thing is that when I shook young mans hand for the second time, and for the second time introduce myself to him, I felt a strong urge to pray for him. I really felt this strong, almost like an inner pushing, to pray for this young man to be healed. Unfortunately I didn't do it.

This has caused me to reflect about healing. Anette's mother suffers from fibermyalogi. I have many times felt this urge to ask her if I could annoint her with oil and pray for her. She if she became miraculously healed then I think that my in-laws would be confronted with the reality of God. They might want to talk aobut God and find out that God loves them and seeks a relationship with them. When they find out that this relationship is available through faith in Jesus then they might become Christians. That would be worth dancing in the ailes for.

Personally I don't think that healing is an end in and of itself. I believe that it is a way to meet the needs of people that opens them up for the Gospel. I don't want healing to happen in my church so that we can have another Christian medal to hang on our chest. I just want people to concretely see God's love in action. Just think about it being more than just words or a philosophical idea that one ascribes to.

I become very sad and frustrated with seeing so many sick people around me. I don't need to see healing in order to know that God is good, I'm already convinced. But people are suffering around me and I don't know what to do. I know that I want to do something, but what.

It is difficult for me to understand how so many other people can demand that God heal someone, just as if he is not sovereign. I only feel comfortable with laying my request before God and if He heals or not then he is still just as much a loving God.

I'm wondering if the problem doesn't lie with me. I want God to heal in churches and worship services because I wouldn't feel as much a fool. But what happens if like today at the mall, that God really wants to heal a person right then and there. He might know that the peopel who are around when the healing takes place need to see it so that they may praise God for it or understand that he had not forsaken them. what it he wants me to just let him to take up just as much room and influence in my life as when I'm in church or in fellowship with my Christian friends. If he is truely my Lord then there should not be a place on this earth where his reign does not reach me or commands are not heard and obeyed.

I want to follow God in every area of my life, but I'm tired of loosing. I'm so afraid of being labeled stupid that I'm paralyzed when God asks me to pray for healing for someone. I can talk to people about Jesus, without so much apprehension. healing is another thing. I have seen so much foolishness done in the name of healing that I just don't want to add to it.

jsut think about it. If I had prayed for that young man and God healed him, then I would have to explain what happened and talk to him and his mother about Jesus. what if i missed a really great opportunity to witness about God's love and concern and I just blew it?

If I'm going to be a priest who is dynamically in relationship with God then I first need to be a Christian who is dynamically in relationship with God. i don't want to just lead a service like some master of ceremony. I want to be involved in something more alive and everyday (vardaglig).

today was the Epiphany - or is it Whitsunday hmmmm - i just looked it up and it is the Epiphany or the 13th day of Christmas. It dates back to the 300's and has to do with the revelation of Jesus Christ to the world as represented by the visit of the Magii. This is the official end of the Christmas season.

don't let the ending of the Christmas season lock out the spirit of this season. It is a time of giving and thinking about the poor and the needy as well as a time for family and light. These are things that we are in desparate need of throughout the year.

Gudsfrid

10 days left

2007-01-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

Today I feel really tired. Jonathan left for the States and now I won't see him for another year. It's sad that he is going to miss my ordination.
I have to admit that this time it felt like we were able to have som real adult discussions and that was nice. We even talked about God and that is very rare indeed. He seems to be moving towards being a Catholic. I think the thought that I, being Lutheran, would make a rather big deal out of it, so I think that I surprised him.

today I did not pray very much nor exercise and that seems wrong. It is very important to take care of one's body and spirit. If either one is neglected then it will be nearly impossible to be an effective leader.

it's easy to make excuses but the real deal is to take and or make the time to attend to these important matters.

It looks like my schedule won't allow me to make it to Östanbäcks Kloster. I was looking forward to three days of silence, prayer and seclution from everyday life. oh well

Gudsfrid

being like the ones you serve

2007-01-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

Today I was reading in the Swedish version of Rick Warren's the Purpose driven congregation and I ran across something that has made me think.

You see I am an African-American from Californni, but God has called me to Sweden. The youth in the church where I work and worship are for the most part, middle class white Swedes. I wasn't born into EFS (Swedish Evangelical Mission) and so I keep wondering about what I have in common with the people I serve.

what if it turns out that I am the wrong person for our congregation? If this is the case then I should quit so that I may find the correct place. The problem is that the minority population is not very well represented in Swedish Christianity. while most people don't seem to mind I find it very frustrating. For any one who is not aware of the situation here, there are a lot of refugees in Sweden. If you thought that everyone is blond, blue-eyed and tall then you are about 40 % wrong. I would say that that discription fits an overwhelmingly large part of the population but definitely not everyone. Anyway, many of the people long to go back to their home countries. For many of the refugees and immigrants this is a very safe environment to learn about Jesus and even become one of his disciples. Here they won't be executed or thrown into jail just because they have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. So just think aobut what would happen if a large number of those longing to return home, became committed and dedicated Christians. They could return home and spread the gospel as a natural missionary. this means that this country could be having a large international impact when it comes to reaching the lost.

So I think that it would be wrong of the Church to miss this wonderful opportunity to spread the Good News. I just don't understand it. In fact in my case, going to church helped me to make the necessary contacts to improve my Swedish and break into Swedish society. So even if they do not become Christians then they can become better integrated into Swedish society. This in itself if a very worthy cause, that is if we don't want to end up with riots like last summer in France.

I'm about to become a leader and one of my largest questions is where do I fit in? Can I, in postive and contributing way, fit in?

right now it is very important to take the time to pray so that I may know the will of God. When that will is discovered the the next step is to adapt everything to it.

I was listening to Bill Hybells speak about the changes that have been going on at Willow Creek and it struck me that this is what is going to have to happen with Nyby Gård and Lötenkyrkan. I need to find two people for each group whom I trust and can get along with so run the different ministries. They need to be fired up for God and really love young people. They will need to have the same burning passion as I do even though they may express it differently than myself. Diversity is a blessing.

I wish I knew who these people were. I would spend time with them and share the work in such a dynamic way.
now I have to hug my middle daughter good night and go to bed with my wife

Gudsfrid

12 days and counting

2007-01-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

Well today is the 2nd of January and I'm wondering whether or not I should go to work. I guess that is one of the reasons why I have so much to ponder about.

Since August 1, I've been working as the "ungdomspräst" (youth pastor) at Lötenkyrkan in Uppsala. We've had a lot of young people come to the church and it has been very challenging. When I say that I've been working it doesn't mean that I've had any sacramental duties. In the job that I have I don't have to lead very many services nor do I have to preach.

this may seem quite strange, that a pastor has very little to do with worship services, but when you consider my accent then maybe it is out of kindness for those who have to listen to me, that it is so. In fact my command of the Swedish language has been one of my areas of doubt this past fall. I've been living in Sweden for 10 years and while I can communicate it is not without grammatical fault. I keep asking myself why did God call me here when He knew that I would never be able to get rid of my accent.

One of the reasons that this has become such a big deal is that last summer I was in way up north in Jokkmokk where I was doing my summer internship. Jokkmokk is a very small town above the Artic Circle in Northern Sweden. It has always been easy for me to get along with young people so there was no complaints about me from the youth. It was the seniors who had the most negative expriences with me. They just couldn't understand why I couldn't sound more like them. when you consider that the majority of the attendees were over 60 then you might get an idea of what it's like. I just couldn't win them over.

Speaking Swedish is very important in sweden. You are automatically judged by how you pronounce the sounds of the language. People who speak with a northern (nordländskt) or a very southern (skånskt) dialect can find themselves riddiculed and belittled, espcecially those from the north. This dialectal descrimination is even more strongly felt by many of us who have moved to Sweden from outside of Scandinavia.

now that I've accepted that the my family in America is not coming to my ordination then I don't have a valid excuse for doing the reception meal the following Communion in English. Now I have even more pain in my stomach. We are not so many immigrant pastors (actually in the Lutheran Church in Sweden we are called priests and not pastors, since pastors are what leaders are called in the free chuch) in the Church of Sweden. This means that people are not very used to hearing someone who speaks with an non-Swedish pronounciation.

I experience Sweden as a very homogeneous society. Here it is not very correct to stick out in the crowd. No one should be better than anyone else. Don't think that you are something. This "jantelagen" could be the reason to why, my acceent, makes me feel so out of place. Because of it, I can't hide and just blend into the background. I can't be like everyone else. I do thingss very differently and always stick out. In America this was appreciated more than here in Sweden. It's not that Sweden is worse than America, but it is very different.

Who knows how God can make use of this. I could be the reason why He called me to Sweden? I have no answer. Maybe if I could afford it I could purchase a ticket for my daughter, Jess, and then we would have to have things in English, hmmm

The other option is to do what I've done so far and that is to place everything in God's hands. So as i prepare to read the rest of the Bishops letter on death and life then I should remind myself that all of this is in the hand of God. He knows what is best for me and that is why I'm willing to be led by Him even when I have butterfly the size of an eagle in my stomache.

I'm going to spend som time today praying for the young people we are going to serve this term. I'm hoping that God will reveal His will for our area so that we can adapt our program to become aligned with God's program. As I reflect upon the oaths, the ordination, our youth department and my first wedding (27th Jauary) then I hope to be granted confidence in God's love and concern for all of us and thereby have his peace.

Gudsfrid

13 days and counting

2007-01-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

I find that with only 13 days left I'm becoming somewhat nervous. I spoke to my mother yesterday and she informed me that neither she nor my brother would be able to make it out for my ordination.

I was bummed at first until I realized that this is one of those times where things happen beyond my control and so I dropped my disappointment. I'm glad that I did.

Their not coming has reminded me of the many friends that I have in the States that I haven't even informed about me getting ordained. It's not that I don't want them to come out it is just that it is very expensive.

Today is my oldest son's 23rd birthday. He is such a wonderful guy so I really should be thinking about this instead of oath that I'm about to give. He just came by and told me stop writing so that I can eat some cake.

funny how priorities keep shifting.

Gudsfrid - means the peace of God