quitting things

Yesterday I decided
to quit as a volunteer for Young Life. It is a very difficult decision since like IBS (International Bible Study) YoungLife has been like a family for me. It has been one of the places where I have gained the strength to continue on, when I felt like quitting.

Now I am no longer a part of either of these groups. It feels emptier and lonier but I think it still might be the right thing. I have been feeling like I have never nor will I ever be able to live up to the expectations of what people want me to be, do or act. I hate it. I have such a hard time of going past someone.

when I was a young child I decided to not be like that priest who was so busy going to his meeting and keeping up the formal appearences that he couldn't help the person in front of his face that had a need. But living the way that would make me happiest has a very negative side to it.

It means that things might come up and I might have to reorganize my priorities which usually means coming late. this makes everyone around me unhappy. then they judge me and call me inmmature because of this. I just can't handle it anymore. I want to be able to help with little notice and without having to make such a big deal of it.

For the past 6 months I have been feeling like the only things that matter are meetings and looking the part. I can say that this just sucks the life right out of me. I hate what I am becoming. I don't feel as though I am using what God has given me by spending all of my time in meetings and never building relationships. It is not that meetings and planing are unimportant, but they should not make up the bulk of my time.

But it is not just the meetings but more of the fact that I just feel like people are trying to remake me into the Edward that they would rather hang out with than who I am in reality. I know that I am not perfect and this is definitely not an attempt to make myself out to be a victim. I have chosen my lifestyle and my way of dealing with thing and while it may cause everyone around me to dislike me, it is a result of my free decisions. I just want to be me. I would rather loose friends and never again work with the things I love than to ever let people, expectations, roles and positions to force me into a mold that is not me.

I hate the loniness but it is better than feeling judged all of the time. So now I have decided to go it alone as much as possible. I have been backing away for some months now. I'm not as involved as I want to be nor do I hangout as much as I would like to. But it seems to be working. Over the past 6 weeks people have started complaining less. So it seems that I will have to keep going on this path.

When I first became a priest I foolishly thought that I would be able to be around others and build relationships. Now I see that in order to do my job I have to have this distance between myself and others. I have had it very rough this term and yet I have not shared so much of it with others like I would have before. I bear it before God and ask Him to help me.

It might not be what I thought it was going to be, but it may be what is necessary. I wish that I could have continued with YoungLife and IBS, right now things are emptier. I fill my days with papperwork and administration. I do have more time to pray for others and that gives me comfort. I like bringing things to God and then learning from seeing how He answers. It may sound all bad but it is not. I have more freedom to help and that is more important to me than being a part of something.

I just hope that in the long run, I am being lead by the Sprit of God. If not then all this is in vain. As I open my ears to hear God's voice I hope that he crushes the selfish resistance of my heart so that I will live for him, with or without a group.

The only surprising thing is how everyone has taken my quitting with such ease and okay. Maybe I wasn't doing as good a job as I thought? It's not important, just me thinking out loud.

It is sunny today. When I look through a window it looks like it is time for shorts. As I step through the door to enjoy the strong spring sun, the wind blows as a chilling gust and I know am then made aware of the difference between how something looks and how something really is. This is an important lesson for me to learn by.

peace