thinking back

Yesterday I was telling two friends about how I have been feeling like I just get on everyone's nerves. I feel like stopping everything because I really want people to be okay and happy and if I am the problem then I am willing to get out of everyone's way.

We sat and prayed and talked about it. I guess that I feel very sad these days. It is not a crisis of belief or burnout. It is just that with so many people seemingly pissed at me, it is taking its toll. On one hand I am aware that God is using my crazy life. I know that in front of him, I am okay. I don't mean that He looks over my faults it is just that in spite of them He chooses to love me and allow me to stay in His kingdom. For His mercy and grace am I ever thankful.

1 Mos 19:19
Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die:


This verse sums up how I feel about my relationship with God. It feels solid and were it not for the Lord I would have crumbled a long time ago.

I don't want to make people feel badly. I hate the looks on their faces. I hate that fact they so many seem to expect things of me that I cannot give. I don't feel very accepted. I guess this is why I just feel like walking away. The other day, while I was riding the bus to work, I was having a waking daydream.

I dreamed that I woke up and I couldn't understand or speak Swedish. I didn't know anyone. I didn't even know why I was in Sweden. I just wanted to get on with my life. Everyone kept trying to tell me that I belonged here, but I had no recollection of it. It was peaceful and restful but it was not reality.

I have been so blessed by God's boundless grace. He saved me. But with so many people, in my daily walk, I see very little of grace. Every mistake regardless of the size is brought to my attention. The worse part is that it doesn't matter how hard I try, it just gets worse.

At the same time I feel this way I am in the middle of a time where I have been able to speak with lots of people about God. It is amazing how God has opened doors over the past few weeks. I am very hopeful that many people will come to faith in the Messiah. God has been using me to sow seeds of faith.

Sowing is not at all like reaping. Sometimes in order to sow you have to break up the fallow ground. This is a long but necessary process. If it is not done then you don't give the seeds a good start.

Jes 28:24-26
Doth the plowman plow all day to sow? doth he open and break the clods of his ground? [25] When he hath made plain the face thereof, doth he not cast abroad the fitches, and scatter the cummin, and cast in the principal wheat and the appointed barley and rie in their place? [26] For his God doth instruct him to discretion, and doth teach him.

Reaping is exciting, but not harvest takes place without sowing and tilling. It is much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I pray that I will not be envious or ungrateful because I am called to sow. When God called me to ministry in Sweden he told me to train others to evangelize and that I am to work with discipleship. I often forget that part of it.

I want to see the great harvest that the Lord will reap in this country. I long for it. So I must continue to sow and with God's help, people will not be so easily irritated with me.

What I hope is to find the way to reconciliation with my friends. I know that I need help with this. Help me God!

I hope that in the coming months my friends and I will continue to help people to trust the Creator of all life through his son Jesus/Yeshua. It is my desire that we grow in our confidence and dependency upon the Lord. Right now I just want my heart to be lightened, just a bit. And then I got an email about a video from a baptism I had done a year ago.

As I look back and remember the goodness of God, my sorrow is lessened and my joy is increased. This is one of those things that makes all of the tough time worth it all.

peace