13 november 2008

Today I feel really restless in my soul.
The last few weeks I have been trying to find out if I am called to be an administrative priest instead of one who preaches and leads church service.

I've been living in Sweden for over 12 years now and I still cannot write or speak well enough for the majority of society. It's just so frustrating that so many people focus on the most minor grammatical error and never hear the message that I am trying to communicate.

I have to lead through failure and opposition and this is not an easy thing to do. Last week I was so confident that if my beloved America could elect Barak Obama then anything is possible in Sweden. Now I know that I was just dreaming or eating too many cookies, (A sugar high can lead to hallucinations).

I guess that I am done now. I feel like all I do is fail. I walked into that room yesterday and was totally ambushed. I made it easy for them. The allusion to the fact that people want to know what they are getting for their money. If people don't give then there is no money for my job and I will be let go.

It's kind of funny that this could be used as an carrot to force me to do what others want. I feel very trapped and do not really know what to do. I have no idea what my options are. I am going to be lynched regardless of what I do, and this is a very paralyzing reality.

I would love to be in the mountains right now. Hiking all alone would be so refreshing, and yet I do not run away. It would change nothing. The answer has to be out there some where. It probably is right in front of me but I am too busy looking everywhere else but at my feet.

Even though the pressure is great I will still lean even harder upon the Lord. He is my strength and hope when I feel weak and hopeless. If He does not rescue me then there is no rescue but I will still praise Him and obey Him.

The righteous do not allow circumstances to dictate what their actions. They trust in the Lord and what He has promised in in Him do they find their solace. I love God. He who has kept His promises to Israel will keep His promises to me.

I'm down but I'm far from out.

peace on your head