back from the States 2

Well, this past Monday (14 jan) I flew into Stockholm from Florida.
I had been at the All Staff Conference in Orlando, FL. I have to admit that, after this past fall, this was just what I needed. To spend a week with up to 4000 other Christians who also have a burning passion to bring the gospel of Jesus Christ to young people around the world was so edifying and healing that my meager words cannot do it justice.

I believe that I can safely say that my depression has gone over and I no longer wish to throw in the towel and give up. We had one day of fasting and guided prayer and than meant a lot to me. Earlier last spring, I had this idea that we would not start with our activities until we had completed a time of prayer. To my great surprise this idea was totally shot down.

I believe that prayer is very important especially before undertaking planning and strategies. It was really something to sit in a room with 4000 people divided into smaller groups praying for the same thing. The Holy Spirit was very present. During those days I had some time to really just praise and listen to God talk to my soul. I may still believe that I could be so much more effective as a pastor in the States than here in Sweden, but I've decided to leave all of that in God's hands.

I may not understand why God called me to Sweden nor ever feel that I am doing anything worthwhile, but I trust God and therefore I can rest in what I know about God more than achieving some kind of expected results.

We were treated to the stories of individuals who have been encouraged and loved in spite of some tsunami sized obsticles. This gave me a great deal of hope. It is as though God has really healed a great sore in my spirit.

One of the surprising things is to happen is that I realized that I feel very disliked. I'm not saying that this feeling is grounded in any factual evidence but it is something that has affected me for several decades. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel like no one really likes me or wants to have me around unless I can do lots of different things. It is the different things that they need and so they are forced to accept me as part of the deal. This is how I feel in my family, around the vast majority of my friends, and at my job. I feel like the young people in my church dislike me or even wish to have nothing to do with me. I feel like almost all of my teachers in the seminary hate me.

Everyday I go to work I think that this will be my last day. I'm going to get fired. I'm so afraid that my wife is just going to leave me, not because she has said anything, or even hinted at it. I just get this feeling that I can't really seem to shake. It is always at the edge of my thoughts waiting to take over.

I spoke to my friend Patrik and he told me that these feelings are lies and not the truth. I guess that I am still that short kid with the sqweaky soprano voice, that always gets picked last or as a reserve who never gets to play. I remember being so ashamed that I didn't have a girlfriend and was a virgin that I made up stories about having sex. Kind of strange in a way, since I believed that sex outside of marriage was wrong. Mostly it was that I just didn't like girls in that way. I really didn't want a girlfriend just close female friends. But not having a girlfriend made me an oddball. I didn't fit in.

Now I'm a priest and I still do not fit in. Everyone seems bothered by the fact that I don't measure up to what they expect of a priest or someone who is about to turn 46 years old (tomorrow). I'm not immature I just think that it is still fun to have fun. I still like to learn and experience new things.

I really need let go of all of this. I need to just reach out and take my heavenly Father's hand and just let him lead me through 2008. One thing is to make sure that i prioritize my relationship with God, this year. No one may come to faith this year; I may not see any fruit from my labors; I may never experience a full day of satisfaction in my job or family life, but I will seek God with my whole heart. He is my refuge and my strong tower. This is renewed confidence in the character of God, as the only thing I need for contenment, is something that I received from the Young Life All Staff Conference.

I do not fear this year even though it may turn out to be a real doosie.