I'm going to the States

On Saturday, December 8th, I shall be going to California. You see my paternal grandmother (farmor) died last week. When I found this out I also found out that my maternal grandmother had been admitted into the hospital earlier that same week.

This news combined with my mother being severely injured in a car crash this August has become very much for me. I’ve hade such a difficult autumn. At the moment I’ve fallen into a low period which seems very difficult to leave.

I’ve come under some really difficult criticism this year. There are so many people who are unhappy with me, that it seems as though I’ve done at best poorly and at worst I’ve failed miserably. I guess that is why I’m so down. I wanted to server God with all of my heart, body and understanding. I had such intentions of putting him first in every area of my life. This does not mean that I live perfectly or outside of God’s grace, put that the greatest influence in my life was to be my God.

I am so optimistic about time. I always feel that I have more of it. This plays itself out in various ways.
So what is really bothering me well it is a combination of things that when added together have become a very large weight on my heart.

· I thought that my grandmother would live for many more years. We were planning to visit America next year and so my wife and daughter would finally get to met her and she them. I was going to bring pictures of my ordination and our vacations to show them and now it is too late.
· I haven’t been able to keep in touch with my friends like I’d like to because I have so much work to do. Now it has been a long time since I’ve spoken to anyone. This only contributes to the feelings of loneliness and isolation that have increased since ordination.
a. I have lots of friends or at least I know lots of people. It’s just that my job creates a distance to others.
· My son was here and now he is gone to Boston. I am so worried about him. I want to help him, but I can not be more concerned about the things that trouble him that he is. We had a very honest conversation when he was here and he told me that he didn’t believe in God. I’m still grieving that one.
· My grandfather, father and grandmother have all died in the last five years. They have never got to see me reach this goal. They died thinking that I am a goofball and there is nothing that I can do to change that
· The majority of the young people that have grown up in the church where I now work as the youth pastor think that I have done a very poor job. This was the hardest blow of all. I never knew that they were so unhappy. Many of them want things to be like they were and it can’t be so, because things have changed. Now I don’t feel like teaching or preaching anymore. Here I can cease from taking part in the worship services and just be an administrator and that is perfectly okay.
a. The majority of the young people who have not grown up in the church think that I’m doing a good job.
b. Even some of my former teachers from seminary have written to my superiors (not coming to me first) and complained.
c. People blame me that the kids that live around our church have started coming.
· In spite of being able to walk with young people over the thresh hold of faith we can’t seem to bring them into the fellowship. It hurts my heart to see such a lack of hospitality.
· I was at a priest meeting this fall. I am the only dark-skinned priest in Uppsala. So when a church official told a joke with the punch line including the word “neger” (this is the same as nigger) I felt angry and embarrassed. There was nothing I could do but sheepishly go away and take my place. Everyone was watching to me like I was a monkey in a cage.
· I am so much more aware of the discrimination in the society at large and especially in the church. I feel so powerless to be a part of the positive change.
· Because of where I work some of my friends say that I’m not a real priest. It only bothers me because they are good friends. Now I just keep my distance and that makes me sad.
· Someone in my Bible study group has left the faith. This has really rocked the faith of many in the group. We have had some very intense prayer moments where we were just pouring out our hearts to God for her and for our selves. She has written to several members in the group and just vehemently attacked the Christian faith. I know that she is hurting and that many of her complaints are even justified. This only makes it all the more difficult.
· A couple of my young people have not been doing so well this term. They are sad and troubled and we haven’t been able to help them.

I am weary, sad and worn. This has made me question a lot. With so many people upset with me I’ve decided to just do nothing for a while. I wanted to belong to a church where it would be easy for people to come in and feel welcomed and wanted. Many people say that there are no perfect churches, but I’ve never looked for one of those. I know that I could never be a part of a perfect church.

The truth is that in spite of a very trying time there are still good things happening. God has not deserted me. He loves me and holds me near himself. I would not be able to make it through this if God had not been with me at every step of the way.

In spite of the fact the very little has turned out the way that I wanted it to, even gone in the opposite direction of my prayers, I can not turn my back on the only one who truly loves me. My faith does not sit on whether or not things go my way but on the character of He who is the object of that faith and that is the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth.

Maybe because I will not turn my face from his, he has shown me that in midst of great pain and struggle there is always something good that he can accomplish. I trust him with my life and I hope that I always shall.

Ed