doing enough

The last few weeks have been really trying. I have been working quite a lot lately. It seems that no matter how many hours I work I just cannot seem to get enough done.

someone at my job is always saying that paperwork is not my gift and that somehow makes me upset. When I was interviewed no one asked me about my office skills. In fact a lot of what I do is attending to very small things that have been given the status of something great.

Last week another friend commented that I should not, on my own, try to save the world. I was very disturbed by that comment. First of all only an idiot would think that he or she could, all by themself, somehow redeem the world. I may be driven but I'm not stupid.

this is one of the areas that is most challenging for me. As far as I know, Sweden is the only country in the world which has believes that mediocore (or average) is best. Over the entire world best is best. This idea that average is good enough might be fine in some areas but overall I think that this is very damaging. There is a lack of wanting to achieve excellence.

Since I don't believe in Lone Ranger leadership I have to work with others. The problem is that for many people the lowest necessary amount is their goal. It is what always limits what they can accomplish. Now someone may read this and think that I want to work with a lot of work-aholics, but nothing is farther from the truth. Whereas those seeking only to do average (lagom) work is limiting workaholics opt for total slavery. work-aholics are not very fun to be around.

I just want to do a really good job and therefore If I can choose, I would prefer to work with others who also wanted to do a really good job. I'd like to take some pride in a job well done.

I feel like most people give snide remarks and comments about my wanting to see things done even if it means that I have 4-6 different projects throughout the week. Very many people get disturb when someone else does more than they do. This may be because it proves that more can be done. Personally I don't care about the amount of production a person produces because I know that individuals can only produce what their particular conditions allow.

what I do mind is others trying to limit me to their levels and then using that as a means of passing judment.

Today I have been really reevaluating my place in Gamla Uppsala. All the meetings are starting to take their toll. The endless talking about a problem that no one seems to want to solve. I don't mind discussing and taking the necessary time to fully understand the various nuances of a particular problem. I just hate never coming to a solution.

Today I hade to tell three guys that, because of their behavour, they can't come to the church until next week. This makes me really sad and mad. I never thought that I would work in a church that would actually tell someone that they cannot come in. These kids are so blinded by satan that they just behave in really inappropriate manners. Today these three guys were playing with the prayer candles. Even though I told them to stop because people come to the church to pray to God and so they should respect the place (the main sanctuary). they were just running aroung trying to play the organ, piano and play around the altar. I asked them repeatedly but to no avail. finally our custodian was using a laddar outside and one of the guys, because the other guys egged him on, kicked the laddar while the custodian was standing on it. Luckily he was not injured, but he could have been. they came up and shouted that they hated him and wish that he was dean and that is why they did what the did.

I felt that this was sufficient to inform them that they will not be allowed in until next week. I have not idea if I am truly following Christ. I don't feel like I am. I just don't have any other way to meet these kids and interact with them. I feel like giving up and yet I know that I cannot.

One day I would like to feel like I've done enough.

Gudsfrid