back from the States

Well now I am home and I need to go to sleep because in a few hours I will need to wake up and get ready for work.

I was so relaxed in the States that I forgot how sad I was prior to my leaving Sweden. Now that it has sinked in that I am back then it is as though I have never left. I have pain in my stomache and I still feel so sad.

i have no idea what is going to happen this week. i have been trying to imagine this week before Christmas time from a more positive perspective but I just can't.

I guess that i really have no real reason to feel this way. At least i have a job. There are so many people who have been out of work for years. It's not easy finding work in Sweden so I should be grateful and thankful. I'm not saying that I'm not being grateful or thankful but I just don't know what 2008 is going to be like.

it scares the stuff right out of me.

Well I will write more about the States later on

God is good

I'm leaving the States

This week has gone by very quickly. it is very difficult to believe that in a few hours I will be boarding an airplane to return to Sweden.

I have spent the majority of the week with my little brother David. he has bought a rather large Christian bookstore. This means that I haven't spent as much time with f ex my sister and mother.

it's kind of funny but i haven't had a single pain in my stomache nor been depressed. Now I am nervous again. I have meetings to attend to and plans to take care of when I arrive back in Sweden.

I really wish that I could have stayed here in the States for at least another couple of weeks, but since my family is still in the States then I have to leave and get my but back to Uppsala.

The funeral for my paternal grandmother was very nice. I am glad that I got the opportunity to come and be a part of that. with my father, grandmother and two grandfathers being buried in the same place it gave me time to pay my respects and to reflect upon their lives.

one of the most important parts of this trip has been spending time with my 17 year old daughter. Me being so far away is really difficult for her. Today we actually talked about why she feels the way that she does about me. It was a very productive conversation. I felt much better after we spoke with each other.

well I guess that I will try to get som sleep so that I can get ready to board my plane.

I'm going to the States

On Saturday, December 8th, I shall be going to California. You see my paternal grandmother (farmor) died last week. When I found this out I also found out that my maternal grandmother had been admitted into the hospital earlier that same week.

This news combined with my mother being severely injured in a car crash this August has become very much for me. I’ve hade such a difficult autumn. At the moment I’ve fallen into a low period which seems very difficult to leave.

I’ve come under some really difficult criticism this year. There are so many people who are unhappy with me, that it seems as though I’ve done at best poorly and at worst I’ve failed miserably. I guess that is why I’m so down. I wanted to server God with all of my heart, body and understanding. I had such intentions of putting him first in every area of my life. This does not mean that I live perfectly or outside of God’s grace, put that the greatest influence in my life was to be my God.

I am so optimistic about time. I always feel that I have more of it. This plays itself out in various ways.
So what is really bothering me well it is a combination of things that when added together have become a very large weight on my heart.

· I thought that my grandmother would live for many more years. We were planning to visit America next year and so my wife and daughter would finally get to met her and she them. I was going to bring pictures of my ordination and our vacations to show them and now it is too late.
· I haven’t been able to keep in touch with my friends like I’d like to because I have so much work to do. Now it has been a long time since I’ve spoken to anyone. This only contributes to the feelings of loneliness and isolation that have increased since ordination.
a. I have lots of friends or at least I know lots of people. It’s just that my job creates a distance to others.
· My son was here and now he is gone to Boston. I am so worried about him. I want to help him, but I can not be more concerned about the things that trouble him that he is. We had a very honest conversation when he was here and he told me that he didn’t believe in God. I’m still grieving that one.
· My grandfather, father and grandmother have all died in the last five years. They have never got to see me reach this goal. They died thinking that I am a goofball and there is nothing that I can do to change that
· The majority of the young people that have grown up in the church where I now work as the youth pastor think that I have done a very poor job. This was the hardest blow of all. I never knew that they were so unhappy. Many of them want things to be like they were and it can’t be so, because things have changed. Now I don’t feel like teaching or preaching anymore. Here I can cease from taking part in the worship services and just be an administrator and that is perfectly okay.
a. The majority of the young people who have not grown up in the church think that I’m doing a good job.
b. Even some of my former teachers from seminary have written to my superiors (not coming to me first) and complained.
c. People blame me that the kids that live around our church have started coming.
· In spite of being able to walk with young people over the thresh hold of faith we can’t seem to bring them into the fellowship. It hurts my heart to see such a lack of hospitality.
· I was at a priest meeting this fall. I am the only dark-skinned priest in Uppsala. So when a church official told a joke with the punch line including the word “neger” (this is the same as nigger) I felt angry and embarrassed. There was nothing I could do but sheepishly go away and take my place. Everyone was watching to me like I was a monkey in a cage.
· I am so much more aware of the discrimination in the society at large and especially in the church. I feel so powerless to be a part of the positive change.
· Because of where I work some of my friends say that I’m not a real priest. It only bothers me because they are good friends. Now I just keep my distance and that makes me sad.
· Someone in my Bible study group has left the faith. This has really rocked the faith of many in the group. We have had some very intense prayer moments where we were just pouring out our hearts to God for her and for our selves. She has written to several members in the group and just vehemently attacked the Christian faith. I know that she is hurting and that many of her complaints are even justified. This only makes it all the more difficult.
· A couple of my young people have not been doing so well this term. They are sad and troubled and we haven’t been able to help them.

I am weary, sad and worn. This has made me question a lot. With so many people upset with me I’ve decided to just do nothing for a while. I wanted to belong to a church where it would be easy for people to come in and feel welcomed and wanted. Many people say that there are no perfect churches, but I’ve never looked for one of those. I know that I could never be a part of a perfect church.

The truth is that in spite of a very trying time there are still good things happening. God has not deserted me. He loves me and holds me near himself. I would not be able to make it through this if God had not been with me at every step of the way.

In spite of the fact the very little has turned out the way that I wanted it to, even gone in the opposite direction of my prayers, I can not turn my back on the only one who truly loves me. My faith does not sit on whether or not things go my way but on the character of He who is the object of that faith and that is the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth.

Maybe because I will not turn my face from his, he has shown me that in midst of great pain and struggle there is always something good that he can accomplish. I trust him with my life and I hope that I always shall.

Ed

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. Jesus died for about 1923 years ago, that is if you set his death and resurrection in 30 A.D. There has been quite a lot written about this subject so I’m sure that I don’t have anything new to add to the subject.

What I do find interesting is how many people want the focus of the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection to be about something other than his resurrection. In Sweden we can celebrate witches, the Easter bunny, eggs and chocolate, but if you bring up the real reason for celebrating Easter people will look at you quite strange.

I could be wrong in my assessment, but I’d like to share something that happened to me today. I was the präst-på-stan “priest-in-town” with a group of young people from various churches. They started last summer by making thin Swedish pancakes, with jam and whipped cream, and passing them out for free. Sometimes people would find out that they were Christians and start talking to them about spiritual things. They were nicknamed the pancake church, pankakskyrka, and the name stuck. Last summer and now during Holy Week’s last three days they have been having a show in the middle of town.

This may not seem very special where you are, but here in Uppsala this is something really unique. Well as the priest people can, if they want to, come and ask me questions. Today not one person did that, which is okay, since it is very unusual in Sweden that people who have not been introduced to one another should strike up a conversation that extends beyond asking for directions.

After a while I got this thought in my head to go up to people and wish them a Glad Påsk, Happy Easter. From zero contact to quite a lot of contact, was a very interesting phenomenon to observe. The majority smiled and said thank you. It would not surprise me if a relatively large number of those who accepted the greeting wondered if I were only dressed up as a priest or if I was a real priest.

Not everyone was glad to hear “Glad Påsk” but in no pleasant way made it clear that my message were unwelcome. There is a lot of skepticism when it comes to religion, especially Christianity. Very many people in Sweden think that it is very strange that someone who is a Christian would actually believe in basic beliefs of our faith.

Take the resurrection as an example. The majority of researchers believe that Jesus was a historical person who actually lived. There are quite a few references to Jesus that are outside of the Bible. He died by crucifixion and was buried. His death left his disciples very demoralized and dejected. After 3 days several of Jesus’ followers had experiences that lead them to believe that it was the resurrected Jesus. They went around telling people that Jesus the Messiah was raised from the dead. The New Testament is the record of this and was written between the years 45 – 90 A.D. This movement eventually spread around the world.

But here people think that to believe this is very strange. It is as though they think that a person can believe in Jesus without believing in the facts surrounding his identity. If Jesus did not die on the cross, was buried and rose from the dead, then our faith is a lie and has absolutely no merit.

Since I believe in miracles then it is a very logical thing to believe in the bodily resurrection of Jesus. Jesus is my Lord and Savior and I am proud to admit that. I am pleased to be able to help people to understand that Jesus died for them also. This gift of eternal life is possible for every person on the earth, if they want to receive it. Maybe this is why people want us to tone it down.

It’s not fun telling someone that each person has already broken God’s law and beyond the shadow of any doubt is guilty and therefore deserves eternal punishment and separation from God. This is going to affect everyone, unless God does something about it. God loves everyone and so Jesus offers up his own blood and died so that the penalty of sin is paid. This gift is presented to everyone and they can accept it or reject it. God never forces anyone into his kingdom.

I don’t know anyone who likes hearing this. In fact quite a few people get really upset when they hear someone say that their future hope depends upon Jesus and him alone. The thing is that even when they know that there is a way out of the condemnation they won’t accept the solution. They want another solution than the one provided, preferably one that allows them to continue on their way. They just don’t seem to want to get it that they are still guilty, since only Jesus can take away their guilt. Every other attempt leaves them guilty.

Now in a pluralistic society it might be considered rude to say to the person who presents another solution, than Jesus, that their solution is not good enough. But if this is really about life and death, then what should be our response? How far should we go?

Tomorrow (Saturday) I will also be präst-på-stan and I hope that I get a chance to talk to people and tell them about what Jesus did for them. We all need to know that God loves us and that he has a plan for our life that begins with accepting the salvation that comes only through his son.

Gudsfrid

ed

have 2 months already passed

It’s been a while since my last entry. Even though I’ve been working a lot of late nights the reason that I haven’t written anything is because I’ve been thinking quite a lot about my life.

It’s been a month since my ordination and I guess that the honeymoon is now officially over. Lately I’ve find myself I a valley of doubt and uncertainty. This doubt in not on the level of doubting God’s existence or goodness, but has more to do with the warfare of the modern church.

I find myself in the middle of a constant clash of ideas, expectations and application. I think that the church’s message, while timeless and true, should be relevant and easy for the people of this time to understand. I unlike many proponents of contextual theology I do not believe that the neither content nor intensity of the message should in any way be altered.

My problem partially stems from the fact that as an African-American I have a whole other cultural context to the ideas of openness, fellowship, worship and practical application. There is a real clash of culture when my congregation, which is comprised 90% of middle class white Swedes, has expectations of my conduct and focus that are totally foreign to me. Swedes are very reserved and so they are not forthcoming with their thoughts. They may criticize my methods but they never come with any real suggestions or ideas that will help me to understand what they really mean.

Jesus talks about a principle that a grain seed must first fall to the ground and die in order to live and bear fruit. He said that the one who tries to preserve his life will loose it but the one who is willing to let it all go will be the one who actually gains.

Everyone wants things to be like they were. This is impossible for me to know what it was like because I wasn’t there and there are no notes or instructions from that time. Everyone expects me to preserve something that is not longer relevant, just because they think that is was good. Things are so good that no one wants it to end. So we have to build high thick walls in order to keep out the polluting and changing influences of the “outside world”. This is, though, a real danger. When did the Church ever get commissioned to keep things the same and to hide from the world? Weren’t we supposed to change the world? Weren’t we supposed to go out into the world around us and be its salt and light?

Ever since we locked the doors of our church and decided to not allow young people to come in things have been increasingly heavy. It’s like walking through waist-high oatmeal. The exception to this is that if the young people are part of a church activity then they can come in. when the majority of the kids who are not allowed to come in have immigrant backgrounds and the majority of those who are allowed to come in are Swedes then you can just imagine what this looks like. I’m not saying that it is so, only that it is very difficult not to see as such. Many of the kids who are not allowed to come have asked me if this is the reason. While I emphatically deny it my heart goes out to them. How sad that a church is associated with such thoughts. How sad in a country where so few young people set their foot in a church have we decided to close them out.

I am very alone in my opinions and as far as I know, I have very little support in the congregation. There are a lot of people in the congregation, as well as the other employees, who are very displeased with me because I still go out and try to engage these kids.

I feel like everyone wants to tell me how I should act because maybe they are placing way too much value on my actions or maybe at some level my way of being makes them look bad. I must say that I am in no way without fault nor am I a saint. I just happen to have a lot of patience and refuse to treat the young people in any way than what I believe Jesus would do.

It is difficult to believe that I have only been ordained about 6-7 weeks. It really seems like a lifetime. Now reading this may make you think that our church is this really bad place, but in reality I think that it is like very many other churches.

I’ve only been writing about a very specific area and have not in any way reflected the fact that we have a lot of activities and lots of people have had a positive interaction with the church. We have several choirs, scouts, various youth groups, senior’s lunches, sewing group, alpha and beta groups as well as many other types of activities. So, on a weekly basis we are meeting lots of people.

I don’t believe that I’m bitter or feeling like only I am doing all of the work. I don’t feel like I am in some way superior either. I don’t feel sorry for myself nor do I feel like I’m the only one who has “the answer”. I just feel that things are not as certain as I earlier thought they would be.

It is not easy being a priest. 65% of my time is spent in meetings and on paperwork. There are budgets to plan, reports to read and write, decisions to make and papers to sign. When I was in seminary we used to talk about how we were going to preach God’s word in such a way that it would inspire us and the listeners to live whole-heartedly for God. We would try to life as we preached. I wanted to have maximum time with people. I had imagined that I would spend about 25 % of my time on paperwork and meetings. How can someone be so wrong?

And yet in spite of all of this there is time to visit with people and pray for them and with them. There is time to witness about God’s love and salvation through Christ. There is not a whole lot of time but there is still time, which by some miracle of God, for the needs of others to be met. It never ceases to amaze me just how little raw product it takes for God to make something wonderful out of it. That God can take my very tiny seed of time and harvest so many bushels of goodness is a great mystery to me.

Today I’m going to start a new week. I will probably meet a lot of rude kids; a lot of happy kids; a lot of hurting kids; a lot of confused and lot of kids that seem to have it all together. I just hope that by God’s grace and mercy He lead me by His Spirit and open my eyes and ears so that I may see His will and adjust my life accordingly.

I want to be obedient and filled with mercy and compassion.

Gudsfrid

Ed

doing enough

The last few weeks have been really trying. I have been working quite a lot lately. It seems that no matter how many hours I work I just cannot seem to get enough done.

someone at my job is always saying that paperwork is not my gift and that somehow makes me upset. When I was interviewed no one asked me about my office skills. In fact a lot of what I do is attending to very small things that have been given the status of something great.

Last week another friend commented that I should not, on my own, try to save the world. I was very disturbed by that comment. First of all only an idiot would think that he or she could, all by themself, somehow redeem the world. I may be driven but I'm not stupid.

this is one of the areas that is most challenging for me. As far as I know, Sweden is the only country in the world which has believes that mediocore (or average) is best. Over the entire world best is best. This idea that average is good enough might be fine in some areas but overall I think that this is very damaging. There is a lack of wanting to achieve excellence.

Since I don't believe in Lone Ranger leadership I have to work with others. The problem is that for many people the lowest necessary amount is their goal. It is what always limits what they can accomplish. Now someone may read this and think that I want to work with a lot of work-aholics, but nothing is farther from the truth. Whereas those seeking only to do average (lagom) work is limiting workaholics opt for total slavery. work-aholics are not very fun to be around.

I just want to do a really good job and therefore If I can choose, I would prefer to work with others who also wanted to do a really good job. I'd like to take some pride in a job well done.

I feel like most people give snide remarks and comments about my wanting to see things done even if it means that I have 4-6 different projects throughout the week. Very many people get disturb when someone else does more than they do. This may be because it proves that more can be done. Personally I don't care about the amount of production a person produces because I know that individuals can only produce what their particular conditions allow.

what I do mind is others trying to limit me to their levels and then using that as a means of passing judment.

Today I have been really reevaluating my place in Gamla Uppsala. All the meetings are starting to take their toll. The endless talking about a problem that no one seems to want to solve. I don't mind discussing and taking the necessary time to fully understand the various nuances of a particular problem. I just hate never coming to a solution.

Today I hade to tell three guys that, because of their behavour, they can't come to the church until next week. This makes me really sad and mad. I never thought that I would work in a church that would actually tell someone that they cannot come in. These kids are so blinded by satan that they just behave in really inappropriate manners. Today these three guys were playing with the prayer candles. Even though I told them to stop because people come to the church to pray to God and so they should respect the place (the main sanctuary). they were just running aroung trying to play the organ, piano and play around the altar. I asked them repeatedly but to no avail. finally our custodian was using a laddar outside and one of the guys, because the other guys egged him on, kicked the laddar while the custodian was standing on it. Luckily he was not injured, but he could have been. they came up and shouted that they hated him and wish that he was dean and that is why they did what the did.

I felt that this was sufficient to inform them that they will not be allowed in until next week. I have not idea if I am truly following Christ. I don't feel like I am. I just don't have any other way to meet these kids and interact with them. I feel like giving up and yet I know that I cannot.

One day I would like to feel like I've done enough.

Gudsfrid

a couple of weeks later

A couple of weeks have passed since my ordination and so I’m still new at being a priest. This past Tuesday I had put on my priest shirt before met with our confirmand, but I forgot my collar. No one said anything to me and so I didn’t notice that anything was out of place until after I came upstairs.

I still don’t feel very different with the exception that I have to get used to my new clothing. This weekend I will be giving a very short sermon about how God can be the beginning and the end of one’s day.

God is the beginning and end to every single day we live. He allows his rain to fall upon the good and the evil.

The international Bible study in Uppsala is going to go bobsledding this weekend. It should be a lot of fun

Lately I’ve become so buried by all of the paperwork that I haven’t had time to just hang with people. I know that many people, whom I know, complain that they I’m not very easy too reach. They are of course correct.

Gudsfrid

jan 18

I'm standing with the bishop of Uppsala Diocee, the acting chiarman of Swedish Evangelical Mission (this is the part of the Church of Sweden that I work in), Björn and Malin (they are standing closest to me on my left) and the Dompröst (who happens to come from Finland), at the southern port.

Well it has been several days since my ordination and turning 45, and to tell the truth, I don’t really feel any difference on my part. It sounds very strange till hear people referring to me by, “Hi priest (Hej prästen)”. I hope that my friends won’t start treating me differently now that I’m ordained.

So last night in Uppsala Cathedral (Uppsala Domkyrkan) there was this ecumenical prayer meeting. Whenever we do something, in Uppsala, which transpires over denominational and theological boundaries, it seems that the presence of God becomes very tangible. This was the first time that I wore my collar since my ordination. I hadn’t shaved and so the collar itched and felt strange, but more unfamiliar than uncomfortable. I guess that it’s going to take some time before I get used to this new phase.

Well I have some more pictures to show off.

In our liturgical services we stand and sit a lot. I can't remember which part of the service this is but it has to be pretty early on. The long dress is called an alba in Swedish. It is supposed to symbolize a connection to the baptismal dress that one has a child or confirman but officially it symbolizes the long shirt that Jesus wore. A priest is to walk in the footsteps of Jesus.

This is when the actual ordination is taking place. The Bishop, domprost, representatives from the educational institutions (we have two in Uppsala), my personal assistent and a representative from the district that I am going to work as a priest in (my district is called Old Uppsala Congregation - Gamla Uppsala församling) all lay their hands and pray. This confers the office in a succession that stretches back to the apostles.

I felt as though the Holy Spirit filled me and gave me confidence to face what I need to do in the future. I will always remember this moment in my life. This was really, really big.

I have been struggling with my calling for some time. When this happened it felt like God was saying that in spite of my heavy American accent, workaholic tendencies and not having very many dark-skinned foreign-born priests in the church, that this was no hinder for God, and therefore I should stop worrying so much. Mistakes are part of the life that God calls us to. Think about it. God is so loving that he is okay with our misstakes.

After we are ordained and recieve the signs of our office we participate in distributing the Holy Communion.

So I am giving the bread, an non-fermented wafer called an oblat, to someone standing in line. The Body of Christ broken for you... Hans passed out the wine, which presents the Blood of Christ shed for you...

God is gracious and good. I say this because I am always in awe of the expressions on the faces of those who come forward. It is as though they are recieving a pardon for crimes committed.

I feel very humbled to be in such a position. I guess it would be more normal to concentrate upon all of the people looking at me, but that is just not an appealing focal point for me. Call me crazy but I like focusing on what Jesus did for everyone. I couldn't do it and neither could anyone else. To be allowed to participate in the Lord's Communion is a great privilegde which I hope that I never get tired of nor see it as routine.

I hope that this day I will be led and inspired by the Lord so that he is pleased with me.

I have to meet with our youth leaders and I have been agonizing about what we should be doing for this term. I have been praying and reading and asking for help from various sources, all in an attempt to do my best. we have a lot of young people in and around our church who do not know or will not accept that God loves them and sent Jesus to die for them.

I agonize about being relevant and easy to understand. There is so much more to being a priest than writing good sermons. I really am dependent upon God's grace and mercy, wisdom and joy.

Gudfrid

The people in this picture is my oldest son, Eddie, and three of my best friends who started studying theology with me back in 2002. They have been very supportive and patient and I am so glad that they were able to celebrate this day with me. This picture was taken after the dinner we had at my reception.

One of my friends says that when I smile like this I look like the Cookie Monster from Seseme Street.

this is a kaftan

This is called a kaftan. it is part of the formal wear. in fact instead of a tux I can wear this. in the background you can see my wife, Anette. who would have thought

Gudsfrid

It might be difficult to see me but I'm the little chocholate chip nearest you. This is exactly before the Bishop lays his hands on us and presents with the symbols of our ordination.

You can't see it in this picture but the cathedral was about 75% full.

i can't believe it but it is over. It was a very moving ceremony. it really felt like the Holy Spirit was very present.

as the pictures come in I will try to add them and for those who are not familiar with the CoS (Church of Sweden) I will try to explain. If you have any questions then feel free to ask.

I was so nervous. I had to pee almost from the very beginning of the 1½ hour service. I was so afraid that I might faint and then pee on myself. I kept praying, "God please keep my bladder in check".

In the picture you can see a cordless microphone closest you. This is because we had just, I was the last one, sworn our oaths. We have just sworne to preach the Gospel, the good news about Jesus, in as pure and easy-to -understand way as possible in accordance with our church's confession. we have promised to work so that God is glorified, the church is built up and the realization of the will of God in our world. We promised to have Jesus as a rolemodle ant to bear witness to Gods love and the mystery of reconciliation. All this will be accomplished with help from God.

yes it was big deal. I was presented with a stole and chasuble and then we passed out the elements (bread and wine).

I almost lost it when my oldest son, Eddie, and my youngest daughter, Nikole, came and received the Holy Communion from me. I was so filled with thankfulness to God for that moment.

afterwards there was a whole host of people who came up and congradulated me and wished me well. I am a very lucky person to have so many friends all over the world. I don't know how our why but I am very thankful for my friends and family. There are people who feel very alone and disconnected, so this, having true friends, is in no way a right.

Well today I turn 45 years old. I'm getting so old. I also have to stop writing because I have to go and meet the Archbishop of the Church of Sweden, Anders Weyryd. I hope that it goes well.

later on today I have to go to the hospital. If you think about it pray for me. They are going to check my lever and gall bladder.

The snow that we had over the weekend has now melted away again. The weather thing is really crazy.

Gudsfrid

the night before

hmmmm

well earlier today I had my prästexam. This is the very last test before being ordained. Björn, Malin and I walked into a room with 12 people from domkapitlet who were going to ask us questions about life and death. At first I was so nervous that I was about to wet my pants.

fortunate for me I kept my pants dry and after a while my nervousness was gone. It was truly a dialouge instead of an interrogation. So it all ended with the announcement that all three of us passed.

in about 5 hours I will wake up and start the process that will lead me into another phase of my life. This is very different from my days as and executive chef. Back then it was the Ed show. Even though I believed that I was serving the customers as well as my staff my main purpose for the day was to create great food (that is the customers would ooh och ahh) and to make a profit.

in this new phase I will bear a yoke of servitude in the service of my God, King and Savior. I will swear and oath and make a covenant in God's name to take the calling of priest in such a way that God is honored, the Church is edified, and God's will will be realized. I promise to remain in the teachings of the church and clear and pure preach the word of God as it is given to us in the Holy Scipture. I promise to be a stewad of the sacraments, follow the church's orders and implement my calling with Christ as a role model. All this, with God's help, i promise to do.

This is really large. I am so nervous and excited and in awe that I can't sleep. Don't worry, I'm going to go to sleep as soon as I've written this entry.

many people have asked me how I feel on the eve of my ordination. Frankly I was glad to have my wife and two close friends at the Bishop's dinner. Anette looked very beautiful and we all had a really good time. I really felt like the people who came to the dinner wished us all the best. A real outpouring of the kind of love that Jesus said would convince those on the outside that we are truly his disciples.

I want to be a good steward of this precious gem (service for others) that I have been presented with. It difficult to put into words, but whatever it is I'm feeling it seems to be a jumbled mixture of various thoughts and feelings.

I am so thankful to God to be able to see this through. He has been watching out for me throughout my whole life regardless of the circumstances.

I want to have a life of worship, that reveals Gods plan to reach those who are not yet aware of his love, grace and mercy. I want to be generous, patient, kind and fearless. If God chooses to use my life then I need to use it to the best of the ability that God has given me.

Jesus Christ is alive and not at all dead.
I'm starting to fall asleep so I had better get off.

I know that there are lots of people whom have prayed for me. I do not have the words to express my gratitude for this service in my behalf. It is large to realize that people take the time from their busy schedules in order to pray for me. I have been cheered on and counseled and when wrong confronted by a whole lot of people. If you read this then I would like to say thank you so much for caring for me.

I wonder what will I write after prästvigning, ordination, tomorrow. I only know that with God's help I will be able to see mountains move.

Gudsfrid

6 days and counting

i've let a couple of day go by because I was just too tired to write something.

Today was the first full day back at work. I don't mean that I haven't been working but it just that today the other employees were at work.

I sat with my friend from Stockholm (I have not asked if I may use his name so he'll have to remain anonymous for now) when we started talking about clothing.

all this time I have been thinking that after ordination, I would most likely have my priest shirt only when the situation deemed it neccesary. But Stockholm started advocating for the wearing av the shirt with the collar as often as possible.

The root o f this vision could be that growing up in the 60's and 70's has made it very for me to resist authority. The problem is that I have been led by God to an authoritative position. Having to prepare for my upcoming ordination on January 14 at 11:00 i Domkyrkan i Uppsala.

When I have my shirt on then it is easier for topeople to recongnize me. But that is the point. In the lifestyle of being priest being available is a very important thing. So I'm thinking about wearing my priest shirt. He made a very large impression upon me and gave me something to think about.

the wind is blowing very fiecercly and I am very very tired
I think that I have to go and rest now

Gudsfrid

8 & 9 days to go

Well yesterday I came home so late that I was just too tired to write. Not too much happened yesterday. The only thought I had was about a very strange dream.

in this dream I am kneeling or prostrate, I can't remember which, at the main altar in Uppsal Cathedra and Bishop Persenius (He is the Bishop of Uppsala diocee) had just finished laying his hands on me, when all of a sudden I started glowing.

there was an angel standing over my head and I heard God say that I should pray for the sick. Lately I have been having dreams about praying for the sick. So before we got ready to distribute the Holy Communion (nattvard) in the middle of the Cathedra when I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit leading me to ask someone if they wanted to be healed. i announced if there was anyone who wanted to be healed. I was going to pray for my oldest son, since he has Downs Syndrome, but then I heard a voice saying that he was not sick. So I prayed that God would increase his mental falculties to such a degree that he could fulfill his dream of reading and writing and that we would be better able to communicate. This gave me the confidence to go up to a person who was blind.

i spat on my fingers and massaged his eyes. he could only see shapes then so I prayed and then he could see.

there was a lady in a wheelchair and so I went to her and stretched out my hand and said,. "In the name of Jesus Christ the Son of God" and her arm (she had none) grew out and she recieved strength in her bones and started loudly praising God. Now for those of you who do not live in Sweden, the services in a cathedral, or for that matter in most places, are very, very quite.

everyone was looking and the Bishop looked like a tomato. i don't know if he was angry, amazed or dissappointed that this was happening. i announced that if anyone else wanted to be healed then they could come to St Erik's gate. people were healed and I talked to them about recieving and following Jesus.

The healing continued afterwards and so sick people were being brought to Lötenkyrkan. It so happend that I was in Nyby Gård (this is the area where I spend 50% of my working hours reaching kids that live in that area) when a mother to one of boys came in. She (I won't use their names because this could be very sensitive information that they wouldn't like to spread around) had been in a wheel chair and had pain all over her body. i prayed for her and God healed her. This was so beyond her fantasy that she wanted to know more about Jesus. So we started teaching parents about Jesus. her son was angry with me at first but after I talked to him he also became a Christian. we met in Nyby Gård with women and small children on one side of the room and men on the other side. I spoke in Swedish and what I said was translated inte either Arabic or Persian.

Well our congregation grew and so we had to build this church in Nyby Gård with a large balcony. Lots of people came to believe in God there.

During Livskraft New Year's camp I had a dream that if I took my annointing vial and placed it on the altar then God would fill it with oil to be used to annoint the sick, before praying that God would heal them. I couldn't shake this thought so I placed my vial on the altar, prayed and left it over night. When I came back the next day I was very nervous. I went to the altar and opened my vial but there was no oil in it. I pressed the cotton in it just to make sure, but alas no oil.

I believe that God can heal the sick. But I don't believe that I can command God to heal someone nor can I promise that God will do it, if he has not said anything to me. I just went to check my vial one more time to make sure. There are a lot of people that I have contact with who are sick in a way that medical science cannot help them. There are a lot of people trapped in psychological sicknesses as well. I have an inner longing to see God open a wide window of healing that will meet the needs of so many of the sick around us. I could be wrong, but i believe that this would open the door to being able to boldly preach about the new life that God offers to each person through Jesus Christ.

It seems like not too many people want to hear that message about how they need Jesus in their lives. Well actually I'm not sure that people don't want to hear about it, more like they just don't want to be bored by it. There is a lot to say about presentation and enthusiasm.

I had such a difficult time getting into my computer at work that I didn't get as much done as I'd like to.

today

Anette and I went shopping for a dress for the Bishop's Dinner next week. hmmmmmmmm shopping :( ..., sometimes I forget just how tiring it can be when the mall is full of people. Well we didn't find our game and so the weary hunters came home emptyhanded.

while we were out, I met a young man who was obviously mentally challenged (handicapped for those of you who are not Pc) he came over to me and started talking and wanted to shake my hand. My first thought was no not me. People always seem to see me and want to talk to me. I just wanted to sit down, be sour and read my book. This was not to be.

You see, before we left the house I had a strange impression to take my oil vial with me.(during the last few weeks I've been carrying it with me just in case I might need it. There is still no oil in it but...) So I stuffed it into my left pocket of my down vest and off we went. The really strange thing is that when I shook young mans hand for the second time, and for the second time introduce myself to him, I felt a strong urge to pray for him. I really felt this strong, almost like an inner pushing, to pray for this young man to be healed. Unfortunately I didn't do it.

This has caused me to reflect about healing. Anette's mother suffers from fibermyalogi. I have many times felt this urge to ask her if I could annoint her with oil and pray for her. She if she became miraculously healed then I think that my in-laws would be confronted with the reality of God. They might want to talk aobut God and find out that God loves them and seeks a relationship with them. When they find out that this relationship is available through faith in Jesus then they might become Christians. That would be worth dancing in the ailes for.

Personally I don't think that healing is an end in and of itself. I believe that it is a way to meet the needs of people that opens them up for the Gospel. I don't want healing to happen in my church so that we can have another Christian medal to hang on our chest. I just want people to concretely see God's love in action. Just think about it being more than just words or a philosophical idea that one ascribes to.

I become very sad and frustrated with seeing so many sick people around me. I don't need to see healing in order to know that God is good, I'm already convinced. But people are suffering around me and I don't know what to do. I know that I want to do something, but what.

It is difficult for me to understand how so many other people can demand that God heal someone, just as if he is not sovereign. I only feel comfortable with laying my request before God and if He heals or not then he is still just as much a loving God.

I'm wondering if the problem doesn't lie with me. I want God to heal in churches and worship services because I wouldn't feel as much a fool. But what happens if like today at the mall, that God really wants to heal a person right then and there. He might know that the peopel who are around when the healing takes place need to see it so that they may praise God for it or understand that he had not forsaken them. what it he wants me to just let him to take up just as much room and influence in my life as when I'm in church or in fellowship with my Christian friends. If he is truely my Lord then there should not be a place on this earth where his reign does not reach me or commands are not heard and obeyed.

I want to follow God in every area of my life, but I'm tired of loosing. I'm so afraid of being labeled stupid that I'm paralyzed when God asks me to pray for healing for someone. I can talk to people about Jesus, without so much apprehension. healing is another thing. I have seen so much foolishness done in the name of healing that I just don't want to add to it.

jsut think about it. If I had prayed for that young man and God healed him, then I would have to explain what happened and talk to him and his mother about Jesus. what if i missed a really great opportunity to witness about God's love and concern and I just blew it?

If I'm going to be a priest who is dynamically in relationship with God then I first need to be a Christian who is dynamically in relationship with God. i don't want to just lead a service like some master of ceremony. I want to be involved in something more alive and everyday (vardaglig).

today was the Epiphany - or is it Whitsunday hmmmm - i just looked it up and it is the Epiphany or the 13th day of Christmas. It dates back to the 300's and has to do with the revelation of Jesus Christ to the world as represented by the visit of the Magii. This is the official end of the Christmas season.

don't let the ending of the Christmas season lock out the spirit of this season. It is a time of giving and thinking about the poor and the needy as well as a time for family and light. These are things that we are in desparate need of throughout the year.

Gudsfrid

10 days left

Today I feel really tired. Jonathan left for the States and now I won't see him for another year. It's sad that he is going to miss my ordination.
I have to admit that this time it felt like we were able to have som real adult discussions and that was nice. We even talked about God and that is very rare indeed. He seems to be moving towards being a Catholic. I think the thought that I, being Lutheran, would make a rather big deal out of it, so I think that I surprised him.

today I did not pray very much nor exercise and that seems wrong. It is very important to take care of one's body and spirit. If either one is neglected then it will be nearly impossible to be an effective leader.

it's easy to make excuses but the real deal is to take and or make the time to attend to these important matters.

It looks like my schedule won't allow me to make it to Östanbäcks Kloster. I was looking forward to three days of silence, prayer and seclution from everyday life. oh well

Gudsfrid

being like the ones you serve

Today I was reading in the Swedish version of Rick Warren's the Purpose driven congregation and I ran across something that has made me think.

You see I am an African-American from Californni, but God has called me to Sweden. The youth in the church where I work and worship are for the most part, middle class white Swedes. I wasn't born into EFS (Swedish Evangelical Mission) and so I keep wondering about what I have in common with the people I serve.

what if it turns out that I am the wrong person for our congregation? If this is the case then I should quit so that I may find the correct place. The problem is that the minority population is not very well represented in Swedish Christianity. while most people don't seem to mind I find it very frustrating. For any one who is not aware of the situation here, there are a lot of refugees in Sweden. If you thought that everyone is blond, blue-eyed and tall then you are about 40 % wrong. I would say that that discription fits an overwhelmingly large part of the population but definitely not everyone. Anyway, many of the people long to go back to their home countries. For many of the refugees and immigrants this is a very safe environment to learn about Jesus and even become one of his disciples. Here they won't be executed or thrown into jail just because they have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. So just think aobut what would happen if a large number of those longing to return home, became committed and dedicated Christians. They could return home and spread the gospel as a natural missionary. this means that this country could be having a large international impact when it comes to reaching the lost.

So I think that it would be wrong of the Church to miss this wonderful opportunity to spread the Good News. I just don't understand it. In fact in my case, going to church helped me to make the necessary contacts to improve my Swedish and break into Swedish society. So even if they do not become Christians then they can become better integrated into Swedish society. This in itself if a very worthy cause, that is if we don't want to end up with riots like last summer in France.

I'm about to become a leader and one of my largest questions is where do I fit in? Can I, in postive and contributing way, fit in?

right now it is very important to take the time to pray so that I may know the will of God. When that will is discovered the the next step is to adapt everything to it.

I was listening to Bill Hybells speak about the changes that have been going on at Willow Creek and it struck me that this is what is going to have to happen with Nyby Gård and Lötenkyrkan. I need to find two people for each group whom I trust and can get along with so run the different ministries. They need to be fired up for God and really love young people. They will need to have the same burning passion as I do even though they may express it differently than myself. Diversity is a blessing.

I wish I knew who these people were. I would spend time with them and share the work in such a dynamic way.
now I have to hug my middle daughter good night and go to bed with my wife

Gudsfrid

12 days and counting

Well today is the 2nd of January and I'm wondering whether or not I should go to work. I guess that is one of the reasons why I have so much to ponder about.

Since August 1, I've been working as the "ungdomspräst" (youth pastor) at Lötenkyrkan in Uppsala. We've had a lot of young people come to the church and it has been very challenging. When I say that I've been working it doesn't mean that I've had any sacramental duties. In the job that I have I don't have to lead very many services nor do I have to preach.

this may seem quite strange, that a pastor has very little to do with worship services, but when you consider my accent then maybe it is out of kindness for those who have to listen to me, that it is so. In fact my command of the Swedish language has been one of my areas of doubt this past fall. I've been living in Sweden for 10 years and while I can communicate it is not without grammatical fault. I keep asking myself why did God call me here when He knew that I would never be able to get rid of my accent.

One of the reasons that this has become such a big deal is that last summer I was in way up north in Jokkmokk where I was doing my summer internship. Jokkmokk is a very small town above the Artic Circle in Northern Sweden. It has always been easy for me to get along with young people so there was no complaints about me from the youth. It was the seniors who had the most negative expriences with me. They just couldn't understand why I couldn't sound more like them. when you consider that the majority of the attendees were over 60 then you might get an idea of what it's like. I just couldn't win them over.

Speaking Swedish is very important in sweden. You are automatically judged by how you pronounce the sounds of the language. People who speak with a northern (nordländskt) or a very southern (skånskt) dialect can find themselves riddiculed and belittled, espcecially those from the north. This dialectal descrimination is even more strongly felt by many of us who have moved to Sweden from outside of Scandinavia.

now that I've accepted that the my family in America is not coming to my ordination then I don't have a valid excuse for doing the reception meal the following Communion in English. Now I have even more pain in my stomach. We are not so many immigrant pastors (actually in the Lutheran Church in Sweden we are called priests and not pastors, since pastors are what leaders are called in the free chuch) in the Church of Sweden. This means that people are not very used to hearing someone who speaks with an non-Swedish pronounciation.

I experience Sweden as a very homogeneous society. Here it is not very correct to stick out in the crowd. No one should be better than anyone else. Don't think that you are something. This "jantelagen" could be the reason to why, my acceent, makes me feel so out of place. Because of it, I can't hide and just blend into the background. I can't be like everyone else. I do thingss very differently and always stick out. In America this was appreciated more than here in Sweden. It's not that Sweden is worse than America, but it is very different.

Who knows how God can make use of this. I could be the reason why He called me to Sweden? I have no answer. Maybe if I could afford it I could purchase a ticket for my daughter, Jess, and then we would have to have things in English, hmmm

The other option is to do what I've done so far and that is to place everything in God's hands. So as i prepare to read the rest of the Bishops letter on death and life then I should remind myself that all of this is in the hand of God. He knows what is best for me and that is why I'm willing to be led by Him even when I have butterfly the size of an eagle in my stomache.

I'm going to spend som time today praying for the young people we are going to serve this term. I'm hoping that God will reveal His will for our area so that we can adapt our program to become aligned with God's program. As I reflect upon the oaths, the ordination, our youth department and my first wedding (27th Jauary) then I hope to be granted confidence in God's love and concern for all of us and thereby have his peace.

Gudsfrid

13 days and counting

I find that with only 13 days left I'm becoming somewhat nervous. I spoke to my mother yesterday and she informed me that neither she nor my brother would be able to make it out for my ordination.

I was bummed at first until I realized that this is one of those times where things happen beyond my control and so I dropped my disappointment. I'm glad that I did.

Their not coming has reminded me of the many friends that I have in the States that I haven't even informed about me getting ordained. It's not that I don't want them to come out it is just that it is very expensive.

Today is my oldest son's 23rd birthday. He is such a wonderful guy so I really should be thinking about this instead of oath that I'm about to give. He just came by and told me stop writing so that I can eat some cake.

funny how priorities keep shifting.

Gudsfrid - means the peace of God